Focus

With my immersion into young adulthood I have realised that I have spent too much time focusing on my past and present and not enough on my future. I find it difficult to remove the ill that is in my life and allow the good to engulf me and lead me to where I could and should be. Safety and security (emotionally, financially, physically) have never been a priority for me and it has come to my attention that I must prepare for this now.
I know that I am still young, but we all mature at different ages. I like to think that I am very mature, though how others perceive me I am not sure. With my parents' split; my mom's meagre presence at home; my sister's financial difficulty; and lack of family communication it has become obvious that I must start looking after myself now for the future. Life is hard and as shallow as it sounds I do not want to live a hard life.
However in saying this I know I am being hypocritical. I don't want to live a hard life but I'm making it hard for myself. I have poor management skills. I spend money convulsively. I save and communicate poorly. I hate that money is such a huge factor in life. Why is money the judge of everything? Why must it rule us?
I have no official job. I have no car. I have no ambition for what I want to pursue as a career. With my ATAR mark I find it impossible to find a course I really want to study to enrol in. A gap year will do no good- I am already lazy as it is and having one will just make me drop the idea of further studying.
That's the other thing about me- laziness. Not just laziness, but a tiredness that I cannot shake even if I tried. And I have tried. I have tried to immerse myself into the hobbies I loved, such as reading, making collages, writing stories and baking. And as much as I have tried I have found myself falling out of them because I am lazy. Weight is an issue for me and though I was supposed to be slimmer I gave up my diet after not even one month. I have 20 unread books on my shelf- books from series that I really like or love. I have flour and egg and milk sitting in the fridge- why am I sitting here?
With me turning 18 opportunities have appeared and resurfaced left and right, but I am not grabbing them. I feel like I have no time. I'm only 18, and I feel like I have no time? Ridiculous.
I have been working everyday for my older sister with little pay since I have finished school and have had no time to really focus on myself and what I want and need for the future. I would love for  a few days or even a week to reevaluate everything and set my priorities straight. What can I do to make my life better? What should I do to make it better? What can I do to help other people make their lives better?
Focus, Christine, focus.

I can't.

I can't be bothered to try anymore. I'm just tired. Tired of waking up and going to sleep.  Tired of eating and showering and listening and breathing. I just want everything to stop. I can't breathe anymore. There is no space for me in the world who cares for nothing more than the superficial. I don't want to be around people who remain unchanging and ignorant and unobservant.
I am sick of my mom going out every night, sick of hearing my brother talk about selling our house. I am sick of how this family is being run, I am sick of hearing about post HSC life. Sick of being told what to do, when to do it, how to do it, without the why.
I'm just sick and tired. I've given up.

Jumbled.

I have had a lot on my mind lately and I seem to be unable to open to anyone about it. I make statuses and tweets concerning these thoughts for people to respond but I don't want to tell them why. I feel like I'm drowning by these old memories in the most important time in my life when I need them the least.
I don't know how to write about these thoughts. There's so many yet I cannot hold onto one. I want to write about how I'm feeling about my mom never being home, about my dad not living at home, about having no space to breathe at home; how much I like X and how much he consumes me. I want to write about how my HSC is going and how I'm not keeping up with friends. My 18th birthday. There is my future, my present, and my past that I have still yet to make sense of. Who am I? Why am I still here? What am I going to do?
I have had so many of these phases yet I still don't know how to prevent them. These slumps that take over my life is what's killing me. Just because I'm breathing doesn't mean I'm alive. This loneliness is so hard to overcome, even with X in my life now. I like him, so much- but I'm scared of opening up even more than I have because of fear. Can I let someone in like that again? Will he leave me? Will I leave him?
I am stressing about money, about uni, about my lack of belongings and lack of belonging. There is nothing I can afford and nothing I can offer. I want the simple things in life but I want to live in luxury.
"I don't know what I want, but I want it now." That is currently me. I want something more but I don't know what it is I want. I crave for a better life but I don't know how I'm going to get there.
I want so many things but I don't want anything. I want to live but I feel like dying. I'm not a coward, but I fear.

Super quick update

I haven't written in a while and I don't know this past week hasn't been important enough to blog about (because trust me, it is)) so I'm just gonna list what's happening right now:

1. I GRADUATED!!!!!!!!! I have finally finished high school and am now going to study for my exams in October.
2. FORMAL NIGHT! Also on the same day as Graduation (September 18)
3. AFTERPARTY at my house was hectikkkkkkkkkkk! Well, to me. I had great fun and I could see others did too. Not too happy about the vomit on the carpet, but the memories are great nonetheless.
4. Lunch with the friends the next day
5. Cleaning up - ugh
6. dnm session with the girls, hehe

Yep, so that was wednesday to now. I'm really lazy so I probably won't expand on any of this!

Untitled.

Sometimes I feel like deleting half my posts here. I sound like a complete fool; a hypocritical teenager who whines just as much as others. It disappoints me to hear that I come out this way, when really all I want is to sound intelligent. How is it that some writers are able to sound eloquent when writing? That even when blogging about their own experiences it is read like a story with a moral? I am jealous of those who have the natural talent of creative writing, whereas I struggle to even post about what I did the day before. How can I improve? Will I ever improve?

UMAT.

What better way to wake up on an exam day than waking up late?
Yeah, that's what I did.
I'll take today as a lesson to never stay up on the night before an exam, because if I woke up any later I'm sure I would have not sat for my UMAT exam earlier today. My exam and started at 130PM and I wake at 830AM- not bad right? Well... not when you're me. When you're as fussy as I am about getting ready and looking decent enough to just step outside because you aren't good looking, that's when you'll know.
Moving on, before I went to sit for my exam Maria and I went out to eat. It was really funny but embarrassing, I thought, when we had to literally run out of the restaurant after finishing eating, run to the news agency to buy pencils and pens, and run back to the train station because we had less than 5 minutes...
The train was 5 minutes late!
Argh, that annoyed me, but better late than missing it. We arrived to the hall at 1, and got settled down quickly soon after. We had to wait another hour for everyone else to be admitted in, and then we had out three hour UMAT exam.
To say it was difficult was an understatement. The exam was one of the most challenging test papers I have ever seen. Logical reasoning, skills and development and non-verbal reasoning just blew my head off. It didn't help that I was so sleepy- which I did doze off a couple of times.. hehe.
I think I did okay overall- I actually don't need UMAT to do psychology but I didn't know that until a few weeks ago, which sucks by the way. $1000 down the drain because I don't need it. That's a lot of money for my sister who paid for me since we're so behind on our bills.
Anyway UMAT is done and over with, and all that's left to do now is wait. In the mean time I'm going to be so busy preparing for my trials which start next week (eek! I haven't even started studying lol) and then after that revising even more.
I hope after trials I can have a job to earn some money I lost. Mom gave me $1300 and of that I only have $400 left... Where did the other $900 go!?

• School payments/TAFE travels ($200)
• Dining out ($200)
• Buying online ($50)
• Friends' presents ($50+)
• Shopping ($200)
• Hmm... ($200)

... oops.

Weightloss: Check-in One

It's been nearly a week since I've been on my diet, and though progress is slow, it's there!
I won't post up pictures because God knows how self-conscious I am, but I have the tiniest thigh gap that was never there before, my waist is a bit slimmer and my stomach... well hardly anything but that's because I haven't been working my abs so much as my legs and arms.
I have three days left of the protein diet before I start a week of healthy eating. This past week has been really challenging and I admit I did give in to a couple of foods that weren't allowed, but I made sure to work those calories off. I've been averaging looking 500 calories a day which is not enough for me because I eat 700 calories. I want to work out more but I haven't properly exercised in over 2 years- so what does that say? Haha.
Hopefully I'll get on a scale today, and if not, then Tuesday. If I haven't lost anything... I'm going to scream and starve to be honest.
I'm losing weight but not fast enough, and it frustrates me that I feel fat.
Another thing I've been struggling with is faith. No-one believes I can do it. My younger sister, my family, probably some of my friends. It hurts me because if no-one believes me, can I believe myself? Can I continue to push myself if I am the only one pushing myself? I know that it's all in me, but honestly, I don't feel like I could do this without the help of other people, even if it's just encouragement. I'm independent, but not enough when it comes to something like this.

Sore muscles.

After finding any and every excuse under the sun, I have finally started my exercise and diet regime, hooray!
As said in a previous post before, weight has been a constant issue for me. A constant issue in which I never did anything about it. But now that I’ve found motivation with the help of a significant person who has gone through what I am going through now, I have finally taken the next step to my weight goal.
In an attempt to lose 10kg in two months, my diet consists of a ten day extreme weight loss plan, followed by a week of healthy eating, back again to the ten day diet, and so on, for one month. My ten day extreme diet is similar to the Dukan diet- I only eat foods high in protein and low in carbs. Avoid fruits, vegetables, carbs, and fat. And right now I’m having oh so much fun with what I’m eating right now… not. The fruit at home is beckoning me, and I’m a real sucker for fruit.
For exercise I do 5-10 minutes of strength training in the morning, followed by an hour of cardio, 20 minutes of strength training, and 10 minutes cool down in the afternoon. I know it’s better to exercise in the morning, but I really have no time considering I don’t sleep much- which I know is pretty bad, too.People keep telling me that losing 10kg in two months is too much, but there are a few people who have lost 2.5kg in less than a week. I am sure I can lose a maximum of 10kg by September. I’m 55kg now, so you can do the math. I know, I know. My goal weight is extremely underweight. But what everyone doesn’t realise is that I probably won’t get to that point. I know when I have to stop- I’m not foolish enough to think that being thin is what’s beautiful.  
Whenever I think about it, I feel like I was always meant to be small. Not by height (which, by the way, I’d love to grow some more- like another 6 inches!!!! Please bless me with height :c) but by size. My bones are relatively small but my body is too big. If I wrap my fingers around my wrist, my middle finger touches the middle joint of my thumb. Yeah, I have small wrists. Small hands, too!
I have a fat belly, large thighs, flabby arms. I need to work out my whole body if I want results.
And it sucks. Exercising HURTS. I can’t laugh too much right now because my abdomen will hurt. Even walking up the stairs hurts- and I only started exercising yesterday. Yesterday! Imagine how I’ll be today, tomorrow, and the day after.
I know this is good though. It means I am getting nearer towards my goal. My goal is actually 47kg, but 48-50kg will be okay. In two months I’ll have the body that will blow everyone away, and I’ll make sure to stuff it in the faces of people who have lost me or put me down.
So, do you think I can do it? I think I can. I’ll picture my progress along the way, get ready to see changes!

Break-up season.

Winter seems to be the season of hook-ups- well, maybe in America. Maybe not so much tight now in Australia.
I find it really terrible to find out my friends and their partners ending their long-term relationships because of things that could have been inevitable. And it couldn't come at a better time, too. A couple of weeks before trials and we're all crying our eyes out at night because we miss the one we still love so much but can't do anything about it.
I have noticed the main reason of the break-ups around me centre around the definition of 'love'. What is love? Why do people fall out of love? Can they fall in again?
I'll respect my friends' privacy and not say anything too in depth about it, but I hope they'll get through this with a strong head and forgiving heart. It's hard, I'd know. I can't say anything to make them feel better, but I know this is a phase in which my friends need to experience to gain knowledge for next time. I hope they'll come out as the same person as they were before, but I know it's not likely. You don't come out of a long-term relationship 'fine'. There will always be something that will remind you of them, and in turn make you miss them. I am the epitome of this, having stayed in this phase for a year and a half. Boo.
Anyway, my main reason on this post. Him. The 'He Who Shall Not Be Named' in my life. He's nothing like Voldemort, but he's a forbidden topic amongst my friends. So what's happening?
2 weeks ago my niece turned 20 and we were all drinking. 'Irresponsible, Christine!' I know, I know. But that didn't stop me. Neither did it stop me from accidentally pressing his number and calling him. F*** my life!!!!!! Thank the lord I hung up before he picked up. And now I know he knows, which makes me feel even worse. I wouldn't like anything more right now than to dig myself a hole and crawl in it. I am so embarrassed, and guilty because apparently he got real pissed. I don't know whether I should really know all this, but I do, so I hope Person A doesn't get in trouble, though I doubt it. In advance, sorry C :-(
Right now I'm just wondering how he knew. Did he overhear me in math? Did he remember my number? How how how how how!? I'm stressing, and I can't face him. This is absolutely insane I think I'm going to cry.
See, this is what happens when you love someone, and especially when they're your first love. You will always miss them. Always. Even if they hurt you, or you them, there will always be a memory of you being happy because of them. That's the deal for me. I don't love him anymore but I become wistful whenI look at him. These feelings make me question whether I still love him or not. But I know I don't. There's just been too much time between us that could never be replaced.
I think it would have been easier for both of us if we were still on speaking terms, but that won't happen anytime soon.
Anyway, moral of the story: don't keep their number. Don't memorise their number. Cry all you need to, miss all you need to, but don't hang on to every thread. Fall out love by missing the memories of the person, not the person themself.

Jindabyne, Perisher, Storms and Snow.

I realised too late that I neglected to say I was going to the snows for a week last week, so I am sorry to my small audience but I'm glad you're still checking out my blog :-)

The past week has been fun, boring, cold and tiring. I'm glad to finally be back home in me bed- God knows how uncomfortable the couch was- I kept waking every few hours so I barely had any sleep.

Despite being glad I kinda miss the place we were staying at. The interior was standard but much better than my house and to my liking, and we lived right in front of a river. The snows were a 20 minute drive, and the nearest town centre 10 minutes away. I apologise for my photos now; I took them with my phone so they aren't of the best quality.
 

I don't want to go into too much detail about my trip as it will drag on forever and no-one is patient enough to read what I have to say (I talk too much lol) so I'll just give a small recap. My stay at the snows was technically 5 days- we (4 families) left home Sunday afternoon and got to our rental house at nightfall. We couldn't go to the snows obviously- we were too tired! Monday and Tuesday we went to Perisher; we were supposed to go Thredbo on Tuesday however they didn't have a place for kids to go tobogganing so we had no choice but to go to Perisher. I was a bit disappointed that it was not cold enough for more natural snow to fall and that we had to play with artificial snow. I didn't go tobogganing because my family teased me about something and my spirits to do anything at the snows left me. I spent my time sitting on the ice making snow balls, eating, and playing with my 2yo niece. We were literally living in the clouds on Tuesday! Wednesday we decided to take a break since everyone was so tired. The family decided to go fishing instead, but came back with nothing because there were no fish. Thursday had to be the windiest day I've ever experienced- I couldn't step out onto the balcony without being blown backwards; the wind was that strong! Thursday night was probably the most fun; the kids, some of the adults and I sat down for three hours playing a card game called Pig- it was funny and left me smiling before I went to bed; something which I don't do quite often. And come today and we're quickly packing and cleaning the house before our leave.

The funny thing today was me ordering a macchiato at Gloria Jeans. I actually had no idea what a macchiato was- I ordered it because I watched a Taiwanese drama called Brown Sugar Macchiato and thought it would be nice. Let's just say I am never, ever going to order one again, or anything I don't know. Worst tasting experience of my life lol.

I think I had fun. I hardly got any homework done though so that was a downer. I finished reading Gameboard of the Gods which I'm really happy but sad about; no more new reading material! But it's okay because I always turn back to other books of Mead. I might review it later on goodreads, but I don't think so haha.

The week has been good. The thing I am missing most is the view of the Snowy River.

Nothing could ever compare to the breathtaking view I had the first morning.

There are many things in this world that are beautiful but I have not yet experienced. So to have the pleasure of waking up to the cool, crisp air at East Jindabyne and to the view of the crystalline Snowy River on Monday left me breathless. The river so clam, so blue; the sunrise reflecting off it like a mirror- I cannot begin to describe what i felt as I stood on the balcony overlooking the water. As I breathed in the fresh air that morning I felt so refreshed and invigorated. I felt like a whole load of weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I felt that waking up tot his everyday was what I really wanted; to be away from suburbanisation and to have the smell of clean air enveloping me as I hold a cup of tea in my hands. As i stared into such beauty a small longing crept into me, wistful for a significant someone to share it with. To have their arms wrapped around my torso as we appreciated the view together.

The first sunset was no different, I was left breathless at the spectacular view of the sun setting between the hills, the sky colouring and the water reflecting it. All I could do was stare as much as I could to ingrain such beauty into my memory.

 

In a way I'm glad I decided to go to the snows with my family. If I said no I would have never felt such a strong pull to nature. Despite the chill breeze I wanted to explore the hills and forests surrounding me. I wanted to go hiking and camping- and believe me, I would never go camping. I didn't have the time of my life, but I got to experience something I hardly ever do so I'm thankful.

Abortion Bill.

I have just heard that the Texas Republicans have passed a bill to ban abortion in the entire state.
Is this stupid or is this STUPID?
I know abortion has been an ongoing conflicting issue. Many people are against it because of their religious beliefs; because they think people are killing (unborn) children; because of the medical ethical issues surrounding such a practice. And I agree to some degree-I do think women who choose abortion are taking away a life. HOWEVER I do not condemn them for doing so.
Abortion is a difficult choice. I haven't experienced it nor do I know anyone who has aborted but it's so obvious it is. Desperation, fear, instability, guilt, and age are factors that come into play when making the decision to abort. No-one should expect a 13 year old to keep a baby after being raped, could they? No-one should expect a person of any age to keep a child of a rapist in their womb. No-one should expect an unstable woman to keep the unborn child. No-one should expect someone who wasn't ready for the responsibilities of a child to keep it.
Women don't abort because they feel like it. There are so many factors that influence them to come to such a difficult decision- between keeping it or losing it. Morals are questioned. Society influences. What is right, and what isn't?
Wendy Davis, 50, stood there for 13 hours as a voice for ALL WOMEN with no breaks and nothing to learn on to drag out time and prevent this bill from passing. Yet all the Republicans could do was point out anything Davis did to break this rule.
The passing of this bill is sexist. Men think they can control what women do to their body. But, like I said on twitter- men do NOT carry the baby for nine months. They do not have to worry about what they do or don't consume; they do not experience the pain of another being growing inside them; they do not have to worry about the possibility of miscarriages and having to give birth to a stillborn baby. No, all they do is ejaculate that wretched fluid they have into us and sit back and watch us go through pain.

"This is really about women's health," said Sen. Bob Deuell, who introduced a requirement that all abortions take place in surgical centres. "Sometimes bad things can happen."

Read more: http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2013/06/26/texas-lawmaker-filibusters-against-abortion-bill/#ixzz2XOoGQwuf

I cannot fathom what the supporters in Texas are thinking or feeling right now. Health! I am sure women who choose to abort will look at the risk and consider whether to continue or not. This is not for the better. This is men trying to reign control and show their superiority over us. But do you know why?
Because they fear us. They fear that we are becoming more equal and want to continue to have dominance over women. These sexist pricks don't know what it means for women to go through abortion. They don't know the difficult process of having a child grow inside them.
I can't believe this. I hope there are enough protestants to force the Republicans to back down. I hope they're digging their own graves right now.

-UPDATE-
Apparently Wendy Davis won. The women WON. It's time to rejoice, and for the Republicans to step down from their position and wallow in their sad, sad lives.

Homophobia

The other day I had a small rant about homosexuality and homophobia. Many of the people around me will know that I love male gays. No, I am not one of those girls who think it's cool to like gays and want a gay friend- I like them. Their videos and stories are always exciting to see and read. It is probably my biggest turn on after bdsm. Too bad I'm not a guy.

Just kidding.

Sort of.

Anyway, back to homophobia. What is homophobia?

No. These bullshit definitions aren't definitions at all, because there is no such thing as homophobia. "It's not a phobia. You are not scared. You're just an asshole."

Amen.

As one priest had said before "Homosexuality is a sin. But the Bible doesn't say anything about the consequences of a homosexual lifestyle." Why is it, that if there is no consequence, there is a sin? Why is it sinful to love the same sex? We need to realise it is not a sin. It is a sexual orientation in which we can either act or not act upon it. This tight-knit idea that we need to follow Adam and Eve and continue to have heterosexual relationships is idiotic and old. Homosexuality is a sin, but why is it that this particular priest whom I quoted are in favour of their relationship?

I wasn't going to say anything about this topic but it's been running through my mind since last weekend and I can't keep it in anymore. I hate homophobes. Homophobes are only so because they "have thought about it and are disgusted with themselves so they hate on those who have the guts and courage to be who they really are and not hide behind hateful comments."

One homophobe on a particular tumblr commented that gays should go through hormonal therapy to "sort the gay problem." I'm sorry but excuse you? They are not the ones who need it, you are. Modifying genes to stamp out the gay gene isn't going to work either because it is not genetic- it is a SEXUAL ORIENTATION. People who associate themselves with being gay sometimes call themselves "born gay." So sure, maybe some don't choose to be gay. But in the end their sexual orientation will win and they will accept and love themselves.

I am not religious, though my family follows Buddhism. In saying that, I am empathetic. In fact, I have once held interest in becoming a follower of God. It didn't work out, however, though I can't say why.

Just because your God said it does it mean it is true. Many people can base their values and morals on their religion, and I am fine with that. What I am not fine with is the repulsive and disgusting reaction I hear or see when "homophobics" are confronted with gays. We are coming to a new age where a priest even accepts the idea of homosexuality. What does that say about you, who fear it?

"The bible states to love thy neighbour. That's it. There are no other rules or restrictions to that passage. So, we as a church family have to support equality with a smile on our face. THAT is the true Christian way."

BDSM.

Recently I've been getting myself- okay let me rephrase my sentence before it gets a tad bizarre.
Recently I've been reading a lot of fiction that involves bdsm. I'm not sexually active, but sometimes I think to myself "that's the kind of sexual lifestyle I want."
There was a time while I was really into such fiction and it was all I would read. I stopped after a while and when 50Shades came it made me even more reluctant to get myself back into that reading scene. I've started again, thanks to Wattpad and its amazing authors. There was something about this bdsm lifestyle that drew me in. I again wanted to be submissive, to be given that pleasureable pain that so many women in these ficticious novels experienced. I wanted to kneel and give my control to someone else who would love me in a rough way. I wanted to be put on the brink of orgasm but never being allowed to release. oh, God.
But then I ask myself whether I can handle that pain. The blindness, the flogging, the spanking, the gagging, the pleasure in which was being controlled by someone else. I mean, I bruise when my thigh hits the corner of a table, immense pain following. How is it that I will be able to handle the bdsm lifestyle if I can't even handle the corner of a table?
There's also the issue with trust. I am wary of people and don't give up my trust easily. Will I find someone who is into the scene, let alone accept that I want to be a small part of it?
I am no expert on this lifestyle so I don't really know what really goes on. I want a piece of it, and if it's as good as I imagine, I want to be a part of it, too.
I'm really excited to be honest. I can't wait to learn what it means to be submissive for my dominant. I can't wait to experience my first orgasm with pain. I can't wait to have a collar around my neck and leather cuffs on my wrists...
I can't wait.

P.S. There is no influence from 50Shades whatsoever- if you knew me you'd know just how much I hate that trilogy. E.L James is an awful writer- Christian is not deep, Steele (can't remember her name) is imprudish and stupid, and the plot is just terrible. It took me three agonising days to read it and see what the hype is about. If you think that the story was good, you need to re-evaluate yourselves and read real books and novels.
P.P.S. Is there such thing as soft bdsm? I still wonder if I'll ever submerge myself in such rough fucking.

Children.

There is something I fear in the future, and that is having children. I have been known to dwell on things to the point of ridicule, and yesterday was no exception. As I sat in my CAFS class yesterday learning about pregnancy and the ways to conceive, I had thought to myself “I could never nurture a child” and I believe it, to an extent, to be true.

I am not a person of compassion. I am a hard, strong headed woman who only looks after herself. With this kind of attitude and mindset, how is it possible that I will make room for a child?  I fear that if I ever fell pregnant I will not want the child to even begin growing in me. I am scared that if I do I will be inadequate to look after my offspring simply because I am selfish.

I have looked after children before. In my last years of primary school I spent a majority of my free time looking after my sister’s second child. I have even looked after her first child. I have enough experience to look after a newborn and a toddler. It was not a burden before, but it is now.

I loved children. I loved my nieces and would always look after them because I wanted to, not because I needed to. But now as I look at them revulsion builds in me, a hate so strong and deep it is no wonder I don’t explode. I can no longer stand being in the same room as them. I used to think to myself why, but then I began to hate everyone else too. I became self-centred and uncaring of everyone else.

I’m too scared of children now. I’m too scared to have my own. I have already decided to have children, if I have any at all, in my late 20s. I don’t want to be ‘burdened’ by having kids at an early age.

I still need my independence, and I can’t have someone depend on me.

Reminisce.

There are days when my heart stirs and longs for him.
To be in love for so long yet so short, how did we become like this?
A ridge between us not even the ocean can fill;
Our hearts too tired to climb over this hill.

The caress of my name from your lips,
your subtle touch and your gentle kiss.
Your eyes, your smile;
the sea and the sky-
I miss it, I miss it all.

There are days when my heart stirs and longs for him.
And there are days where
I wish
I didn't fall in love
with him.

I fell in love too fast,
too fast for you to catch
and the fall was
harder
than I could ever imagine.

Weak.

Last night I cried for the first time in three weeks. Three weeks of enduring silently, hurting painfully, shutting everything that actually meant to me out. I can't deal. I've kept my emotions down and in check for far too long, and when Kevin asked me how I was, I knew he cared. I knew he cared, and so I couldn't lie.
I cried. I felt so helpless, so pitiful. I felt so weak because I couldn't hide what hurt me well enough.
I suppose it's suppose to make me feel better, letting it all out, but all I feel is an emptiness that's been eating my soul away for years.

Once in a blue moon.

It is ever rare that I go out with my family on the weekends, and today is one of those rare days.
Last night I slept at 4AM and woke up at 1030 this morning. Needless to say I woke up groggy and angry, but I got up nonetheless and took a shower and got ready. My sister was in a bad mood this morning so I hurried but it still seemed too long for her.
Our agenda for the day was having Thai and Lao for lunch, bowling, ice skating, and then dinner at a restaurant that just opened up. We didn't end up doing the last two things, however, because there was an ice hockey game. We decided to have a small bbq instead, which was warm and fun. The cost for today was quite overpriced- especially during lunch- but everything passed standard so it was okay.
It has been nearly eight years since I have been bowling. I was so reluctant to go in the morning when I heard we were going bowling- I don't have much fun when I go out with the family. It turns out, though, that it was very fun. I was worried about embarrassing myself when we first got to the bowling alley, but I shrugged some of that fear off and had a good time.
I think one of the things that interrupted a day filled with family love was my ex boyfriend. That doesn't mean he was a wretched bastard who ruined my day and made me feel unworthy. Actually, he made me really happy. I don't blog much these days because my words are always in jumbles and I can't put them into order, but I've been feeling the worst since we had broken up. His message today made my heart swell and me smile. It was so shocking, because of how we ended, and it was all I could think of for the rest of the day.
Moving on. Today was one of the days where I felt like my family and I were close. We didn't quarrel, we didn't disagree, we were together and that was so different from our usual day-to-day life. Would I do it again, though?
Only once in a blue moon!

Weight.

Society puts too much pressure on individuals to become skinny. There are so many misconceptions about what is beautiful, and what isn't. Weight shouldn't have to define the kind of person we are, though it does. Sure, it can have some impact, but I don't think it should overrule everything else.
I hate feeling like I have to apologise every time I can't fit myself into a size small jeans, or skirt, or any bottom wear at that. I feel like I have to apologise for sometimes having to choose a size 10 and not a 6 or an 8.
I hate that I can't control my cravings and temptation. I feel guilty and terrible every time I whip out something fatty or full or sugar because I hate eating so less and so healthy all the time. I want to be happy because I'm not skinny or obese, but I can't because I just want to "be like her." It's so embarrassing for me to choose something bigger than an 8 or a Small; I just want to be thinner.
My thighs are too large, I have too much stomach fat. My arms are flabby, my face is too big. My boobs and ass are too small. I'm too short, my fingers are too stubby. My skin's too dark, my hair's not long enough. My pimples won't go away, neither do my stretch marks.
I'm exercising but it's not much to burn calories. I want to go to the gym but how and who with when I can't drive?
God, I feel like killing myself sometimes.

-

I shiver at the touch
of cold tendrils
that coil on my skin.
The fire I had inside turns
into ice,
piercing my heart, my brain,
flowing through my veins.

The light turns off and
I become blind even though
the sun
is still outside.
What have I become?

A cold inferno with
no light.

Tiredness, loneliness,
emptiness, motionless;
I am embraced by the arms
of Darkness.

blabble

tragic, wouldn't it

if you knew

you could have been better

than you are right now.

better than being

a big mess

in a small body

drowning in 

your own blood,

sick of all

the lies you've had

to say

to others

and yourself.

tragic, isn't it

when you sit there

and wonder

what life could have been like

if you didn't

say no

or hold back

or be afraid of

the possibilities

and opportunities

that could have changed your life

for the better

for the good.

how tragic you look

with tears in your eyes

and sobs

stuck in your mouth

waiting for someone

to hold you

only for you

to let them go

again.

Nipple piercings.

In the past I have been known to be a lover of piercings, no matter how bizarre they seem to be. I've wanted many piercings in places people wouldn't dare, and to be honest I still want them now.
One of the ones I really want are nipple piercings. I think they have got to be one of the hottest things I have seen on people, both men and women. How they had the courage to get them, I will never know!

Diet, diet, diet.

I recently decided to go on a calorie counter diet to help myself lose weight. Some people are telling me that counting calories is not healthy, but to be honest at this point in time I'm just really desperate. I want to lose weight and quick, but I don't want to be so unhealthy and stop eating altogether.
Right now I'm not going so well. When I look back on my profile I notice that I stick to the number of calories I can have each day for a few days and then binge two days after that. It's really getting to me because I know that if I continue I won't lose weight at all.
I'm also starting to exercise a bit more; I've started with one hour a week just to get me going. Unsurprisingly I don't stick to this, either. My main exercise will be walking for half an hour straight (with hills), and at night I do a few situps and crunches, but that's all. I don't burn off enough calories, and I want to.
I'm 57kg right now and my goal if to be 48-50kg. I want to lose a kilo a week starting now, and so I will do it.

There's too much.

There's just too much inner turmoil. There's too much Darkness that wants to consume my thoughts and take me over the cliff. I'm suspended- I'm on the edge, and I have to choose whether to step back or jump. Someone is behind me to catch me but I can't see who they are. The waters are eerily calm and inviting, but I know if I give myself up I can't turn back.
Darkness. Black tears, black blood. It runs down my face and arms and it won't stop. How do I stop it. The scars are fading but my feelings aren't. I'm bottling it up, and I don't know what will happen when it spills. I'm scared, but I'm anticipating it. I'm scared, but I think I want it.
I want the end.
No more warmth, no more love. No more hurt, no more pain.
No more feelings, no more life.
The end, right?

english, english, english...

English has gotten me stressing. I'm such a bad student- to think I could write a belonging and hamlet essay in one day and memorise it!
I'm insane, it's my fault, I know it. To be really honest I do try and focus in class. The only reason I don't is because my teacher doesn't actually teach. Rather she gives us the materials and we do it ourselves. She says she's preparing us for university but.. well, it's not helping.
Not only that, but the material is computer generated, so I spend a lot of time on the computer. The computer and the internet, as many of us know, holds great temptation and distraction on what we are actually supposed to do. Even right now I am supposed to finish my belonging essay but instead I am here blogging about English. Logic, I know.
Anyway my plan right now is to finish my belonging essay and do as much as I can for Hamlet. Wish me luck!

Tablo,

"Receiving love doesn't mean you have it.

Covering time doesn't mean it passes.

Breathing doesn't mean you live."

- Tablo

Emotional Baggage.

There are times when I regret not ever telling anyone about how I really feel deep inside. There is so much I have to tell, but I don’t know who to. I’m holding a lot in, and it’s hard because everything gets bottled up. Even when it’s overflowing, I don’t shake and explode.

Is it trust issues, or my fear of judgement and opinion? For me it’s a mix of both. I know many of my problems aren’t big, which is why I don’t tell anyone. Who would care about anything that is minor and can be fixed? This is my mindset, this is how I function. It’s worse when it’s a big problem, because I can’t burden someone with my pain. I won’t.

I am an emotional person. I feel deeply, for both myself and others. I hate seeing people in pain, seeing them struggle with this horrid life. I hate myself for feeling that way too, but I don’t stop it. Sometimes I feel like I deserve it. I haven’t contributed to the world; all I’ve done is taken and never given. So why should I ask for happiness?

Bouts of depression come to me whenever they feel like it. It crawls over my soul and darkens it. I become secluded even from myself, giving myself up to the dark and letting go of my light. I blink out, and suddenly so does the world. I am the dark; the shadows are part of me.

How do you counter this? How do you stop feeling like such a waste of space and person to society and the world? How do you pick yourself up? How do you get back on your feet with great determination and say “I won’t let this happen again?” Because I don’t know how to.

Writing again.

It's taken me a long time, but I think I've decided to start writing again. Surprisingly, I used to write fan fiction which, when I look at it now, were absolutely terrible. (I know- my writing is STILL terrible, but I'm getting there).

I used to write because I wanted to contribute to the fandom I were in. I wanted to share my love for my OTPs and how I pereceived their relationship to be. They were well received to be honest, but I guess that was because they were read by fellow shippers who weren't so advanced in English. I'm certain if a great writer read it they'd shake their head and cringe. Even I can't look at them now. My ideas were great, but my words weren't. 

I took a long hiatus- two years- because I suffered emotional detriment, losing my inspiration, my motivation, my spark to life. Was I depressed? You could say so, though that wouldn't be the word I'd use. I don't know how to describe my feelings.

There were many times I wanted to write. I became part of new fandoms, and thought of great ideas. However when they turned into words it never clicked. The vocabulary wasn't developed, and the story didn't flow well, so my stories were never published. 

But now? Not visiting the fanfic site I use for a few months and coming back to it the past couple of days has given me much encouragement. I read new comments that were full of positive comments. If I can still create such responses from readers while my writing was underdeveloped, can I do it now that it's more developed? I hope so. 

I'm getting back into my old self. I've finally let go of a majority of past hurt and am moving on. This has allowed me to see greater things, and now I'll be able to draw inspiration from all that is around me. I'm very spiritual... Okay not really, but I believe things other people don't, so that has to count as being spiritual, right?

I need to return back to the family now, they've come back inside after playing keep it up. Goodbye, goodnight!

New year, new start.

Well, that's what we all say.

It's crazy, isn't it, how we've reached 2013 already? Last time I really checked, it was still '08. We've survived through change in peer groups, economic downfalls, political arguments, law changes, war threats, and 2012. We've gone from children who had no sense to teenagers who still have no sense. It's been crazy for everyone.

I'm not ready. Time, merciless as it is, has not given me enough of itself to help me catch up to the rest of the world. My interests never grew until year 9, which is quite worrying for me. I've had 3 years to explore my interests, hobbies, likes and dislikes, and yet I am still stuck with the few I grew up with. I have no courage, no confidence, no creditable attributes which make me unique.

I'm not ready for school. I'm not ready for the work load, the expectations, the responsibilities or the big decisions I will have to make that will affect my future. I'm not ready to form new relationships and make up with old ones. I'm not ready to open up my small circle to people who could just  be there. I'm not.

I'm not ready to lose people I love, forgive those I hate,  or mend my mistakes. All in all, I'm not ready to grow up.

I think, for people to grow up, we need to accept change. It is clear already that I am not one for change. I'm still scared to dance in front of people, yet it is one of the things I like to do most. I cannot voice my true feelings to my family because of the hierarchy evident in the family and my respect for it. To be a member of society we need to accept change, because nothing will ever stay the same. To be a member of society I need to accept change, because if I don't, where will I be when everyone is ahead?

Just here.