There is something I fear in the future, and that is having
children. I have been known to dwell on things to the point of ridicule, and
yesterday was no exception. As I sat in my CAFS class yesterday learning about
pregnancy and the ways to conceive, I had thought to myself “I could never
nurture a child” and I believe it, to an extent, to be true.
I am not a person of compassion. I am a hard, strong headed
woman who only looks after herself. With this kind of attitude and mindset, how
is it possible that I will make room for a child?
I fear that if I ever fell pregnant I
will not want the child to even begin growing in me. I am scared that if I do I
will be inadequate to look after my offspring simply because I am selfish.
I have looked after children before. In my last years of
primary school I spent a majority of my free time looking after my sister’s
second child. I have even looked after her first child. I have enough
experience to look after a newborn and a toddler. It was not a burden before,
but it is now.
I loved children. I loved my nieces and would always look
after them because I wanted to, not because I needed to. But now as I look at
them revulsion builds in me, a hate so strong and deep it is no wonder I don’t
explode. I can no longer stand being in the same room as them. I used to think
to myself why, but then I began to hate everyone else too. I became
self-centred and uncaring of everyone else.
I’m too scared of children now. I’m too scared to have my
own. I have already decided to have children, if I have any at all, in my late
20s. I don’t want to be ‘burdened’ by having kids at an early age.
I still need my independence, and I can’t have someone
depend on me.
