SECRET - Talk That.

The last couple of days have been pretty rough. Not physically- more emotionally, really.
Mark recently told me that this is "cruel as the world gets." And yes, it is.
The situation with removing my blog posts is getting out of hand. We argued, and he was foolish enough to show his friend and then laugh about it. Not only that, he and his friend began to mock me by reenacting our conversation! On Facebook!
And now, now, after all this immaturity, he decides to delete the wall posts and apologise to me.
Apologise.
How am I supposed to feel?
I don't think this is something to forgive so easily. I cried a little when I saw the mock posts. If that's what he wanted, then he got it. I said I wouldn't let him get the best of me, but of course he would. He always will.
Besides, his apology didn't for one ounce sound sincere. I didn't get the feel it was him; the words sounded empty and unpromising. I sincerely doubted it was him as well, and believed that this was just his friend playing with me. So I didn't reply.
Until his next message.
Could he make it up in anyway possible?
Sure, if he skinned himself and then jumped off a cliff and let the sharks eat him.
No, of course he can't.
It was then I blew up. I tried to keep my composure, to take his immaturity and reply with cool, calm answers. But it was too much. Make it up to me? How did he think he was going to do that?!
There is so much that has been left unspoken between us. I know for a fact we won't be able to sort it out because we're both too stubborn and scared to bring it up first. We don't want to be wrong either, especially if we know that our differences will make only one of us right. We aren't on speaking terms, we don't even look at each other.
I am not petty enough to ask anything of him. I just wanted a more sincere apology. I want him to reflect and never do that to someone else again, even if it's for his entertainment.
I should have not let this affect me. I said I was over him, but now am I really? Despite all this irrelevant drama, I found myself missing this. I found myself reminiscing the times we talked, how this banter was almost exactly like old times- minus the coldness in our words. Crazy enough, it even made me happy to talk to him, even like this. And it made me scared. It made me scared that I actually might still love him.
But no, I crossed that out. All this is is a longing to be friends. A longing for his promise with being best friends to be fulfilled. A longing that won't be achieved.
But it's okay, i'm supposed to be strong.
Now, I have to reply to his question. Can he do anything for me? I don't know, so I asked him what he thinks he could do for me. Not much I believe.
I want to forgive him. I want to get over it. Maybe after this if we sort something out we can just casually talk then.
But maybe not.


Anyway, here's my song of the week. Secret's new single 'Talk That' speaks a lot to me. The lyrics are real, the music is great, and the girls are sexy (but that's no new news). Much of the lyrics are speak how I feel right now, but feelings always subject to change.

Happiness and Facebook.

I've realised it's been a while since I've been on here. A long while, actually.
Scrolling through my past posts, I couldn't help but shudder and feel embarrassed about the way I wrote. My presentation of myself seemed... aloof? Full of myself? I'm not really sure, but I can assure myself (and you) now that I probably won't be writing like that in the future unless I'm ecstatic about something only I could only be excited about. Even then, I'd probably restrain something like that and post it on my long forgotten kpop tumblr. Could you believe that? I actually forgot I had a blog dedicated to Korean pop/
To be honest, I was actually waiting for something great happened to me so I could blog about it, but of course, my brooding self could never be really happy. Happiness is such a simple term, but its definition varies from person to persron. And it made me wonder- what is happiness to me? Is it talking to school friends everyday about nothing and everything? Is it my unhealthy obsession with Korean culture that makes me scream, cry and laugh all the time? Is it being in my room and enjoying its solitude?
I'm not really sure.

Anyway, I haven't had internet connection in over 3 weeks, which is starting to get to me because there is so much I have yet to catch up on. Korean pop news, TV shows I actually watch, scrolling through Twitter for no reason at all but dull entertainment... no Facebook either.
Facebook.
I'm not really a fan of Facebook anymore; it doesn't plague my life like it used to. Now, I use it to see what's happening to my small community so I can gossip, and to contact friends when I have no other way. It's fun, sometimes, like talking to Liskov through inbox. He's infuriating at times- many times actually, but the main thing is that he makes me smile or laugh at all the ridiculous things in the world. And they're pretty weird.
But, with good times, there are also bad.
It probably isn't a bad thing for others but it was for me, since my heart pretty much stopped, stuttered, and then beat erratically. For fear or longing, I don't know.
I didn't realise I'd ever get a message from him again. It was surprising, though I believe 'surprising' is the biggest understatement of my year. I was speechless, shocked, scared, happy, and probably any other emotion people muster during times like these.
Now the funny thing is it wasn't a great message. It was a blunt, mean one. He just told me to delete my blog for personal reasons. I should have been angry that he was telling me to delete my blog, and I am, but I also laughed it off. Because, which blog should I delete?
Right now, I have about 8 or more blogs, some that contain content and some with none at all. I probably shouldn't tell him that, since I own a very NSFW blog full of gay porn. [Just for further information, my 'gay fetish,' as my acquaintance calls it, is very widely known and I'm not embarrassed that people know or will know.]
Even then, it stung a little. Am I that much of a nuisance? A black scar to his fair skin? Have I affected him in such a negative way that he has made sure to avoid me in every situation possible? He deleted our old messages, for God's sake! As if anyone would have access to that.
Well, now, I'm a bit worked up.
I am much obliged to decide which blogs to keep and which to delete, since they're mine, and they hold very personal posts in which I poured my heart in to. They're my memories, and I shouldn't be told to forget such things since they were a big part of my life.
No, noone should have the right to tell me that.
A bit worked up, did I say? Now I mean really worked up. Funny, since I don't think I've ever been angry at him like this before. This is what I don't like about myself- my moods shift sporadically, so when I talk or blog people can tell I am a bit out there. Not eccentric, exactly, but not really normal, either.
This kind of behaviour reminds me of Adrian Ivashkov, actually. But I'll leave that for another time.

The bell's about to ring, I have yet to reply to his message, and I need to blow off some steam to my dear friends who no doubt will be sick and tired of hear me talking about him. Again. Hmph.

Jenny's birthday part 1:

Today's Jenny's BBQ for her birthday. I'm quite excited. It's probably because it's the first time I've been to a girlfriend's party LOL. I hardly ever go to a friend's home (Mark doesn't count lol) and I can't seem to wait. We're gonna buy food at Woolies together soon, so I get to experience "Cecil life" as I like to call it. Not living in Cecil I obviously don't know my way around. Actually, now that I think about it, I don't know my way around my own suburb LOL.
Jenny... I feel really bad because despite being her friend for God knows how long, I don't know much about her. Thinking about a present was really difficult because I didn't know what she liked- I'm pretty sure there's more to bears and pink when it comes to Jenny, lol. I guess that's what's difficult about her- everyone thinks she's 100% pure which makes it hard to approach her and get to know her better because she's so delicate. But, she is delicate, hahas (just saying!).  I bought her yellow roses, which symbolises friendship. It's my way of saying I'm sorry for knowing her well enough, and an act to say I'll try harder.. :-)

On another note, I should really learn to sequence my writing lol, it's everywhere! :( Maybe I shouldn't be in Advanced English lol >:(
Anyway, here's a song for you. It's Ordinary People by John Legend :) it's a nice song, enjoy it!
x

Group Interviews.

During assembly today my grade was noticed about an upcoming interview that questioned us on our education and improvement on it. It allowed teachers an insight of how we're (singly) going, what we need to work on and how to improve the school education to benefit us. Of course, I had already made some points in my mind as to what to address when it I was going to be interviewed. At first our deputy said it was going to be individual; however, the individual interviews had become group interviews to save the teachers time and to get through the interviews in one day.You'd think that it was okay because being in a group was better than being by yourself. For me, it was the opposite.

I was panicking- am still panicking- that I must be interviewed with a group. One of the advantages of individual interviews was the privacy and trust to speak out your problems. This advantage has been taken away from me now that the interviews are being grouped. I can't, won't, don't want to talk about my education problems with a group because they needn't hear it, and I don't want friends to know what's troubling me anyway. 

I'm a very conservative person, opening up to the very few people I trust. It's hard because most of my problems shouldn't be troubling me, but I'm so sensitive.  I am also very sure that I WILL cry during the interview; my problems are affecting me that much.

It's scary really. I think I would've been fine had the people in my school not been such snobs and gossipers. Well actually, it wouldn't matter if they weren't judgemental; I can't have people see my cry.

It's a weird fear, I know, but it's fear all the same. It's a weakness I don't want people to see- I have a small reputation of being strong, weird, I don't know. But not weak.

I don't know. I'm not sure how to deal with this right now.

Cat's out of the Bag.

I never told anyone why he and I broke up in the first place. But today seemed like the day to let it out, to the people I realise I can trust and tell my secrets.
It hurt at first, just thinking about why he broke up with me. It still hurts. But after telling Jenny, I feel as if weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I never knew what a burden it was to just keep everything up inside and not tell anyone. I thought I would have been okay, would have worked it out myself. But sometimes a friend’s opinion is important to help you get over such things like this.
I shouldn’t say much about Jenny right now, so I’ll just say she’s been having issues within her relationship with her boyfriend. And, trusting only me, Maria, and Naphaly, she told us all about it. It was a lot to take in, because as Jenny herself said, everyone thought she and her boyfriend were the golden couple, that nothing would ever go wrong between them. It isn’t like that, obviously. She’s human too; nothing’s ever perfect, unless you’re the Queen.
A good thing about opening up is that it lets you understand people are actually there for you. Talking about it might lessen the hurt, even if it’s only a little. I like how it was us who Jenny went to for advice. She knew we would be able to understand and help her. I envy her, really. Being able to open up to us because she trusts us is something I’d like to be able to do. Don’t get me wrong, I trust the mentioned 3, but because I’m such a conservative and sensitive person, it’s hard to talk about anything too personal. He was a big part of me and so when we broke up I felt like it was the end of the world. The promises I made to him made it difficult to tell someone. I loved him so much I couldn’t break the promises and bring myself to tell anyone anything about our relationship.
And I think that’s what brought me all my heartbreak.
Not being able to tell someone-anyone- about it was like suppressing my feelings for him inside of me and not letting them go. I think it was this that made me hold on so long, waiting for him to come back even though I knew he wouldn’t. After listening to Jenny, I couldn’t help but tell her my side, because I wanted someone to understand, too. I needed someone to hear me because I wouldn’t hear myself.
I can’t cry in front of my friends; it’s different to my image and is a weakness I should not have, but I shed a little tear. Hearing his name utter from my mouth makes me want to cry, because I hadn’t said his name since June last year. Telling Jenny was a big relief, and it will help, but I don’t think by much. I’m still so, so attached to him. It’s been 9 months already; it’s not fair that I’m the only one holding on.
Jenny thought about it today and told me that there’s a possibility he still likes me. It’s wrong that he’s not talking to me, because if he didn’t like me anymore he’d still talk to me. And I guess to some degree that’s correct. However, I know we separated at a bad spot, so I don’t really believe he still has feelings. Yet she pointed out the boys are still teasing us (separately, of course), that being an indication that he might still have something for me.
I don’t want to hold on to false hope, but I couldn’t help but believe it a little. The eye contact I receive from him for the briefest of moments feel like there’s so much we want to say between each other. The closeness we sometimes have because of space. The sound of our his voice. The way my eyes automatically follow him even when I don’t want them to. My jealousy. Could it be true, then?
Of course not.
You can tell if you assess his reactions to anything about me that I’m nothing now. It’s like I’m a encumbrance to his past, present, and future. He wants nothing more to do with me, and I have to accept that.
I’d give a lot for a hug from him right now. I’d say yes if he’d ask for me back. But I know if that were to ever happen, then we must talk about our problems. I pointed this out to Jenny as an example as to why she should talk to her boyfriend before things never gets fixed. I used my example to help her. Because I don’t want her to end up like me.

-

It hurts, but I can’t give him up.

School is such a pain.

It's currently week 7 of the first term and already I can feel the pressure of all the homework and assignments and the studying and the reviewing and EVERYTHINGGGGGGGGGGGG. This was our exam week, and trying to remember things the night before and on the day wasn't very helpful. I think I'm going to go crazy, especially with Adv. English.
My Society and Culture test occurred on Wednesday; it was easier than I thought it would have been, though I still had difficulty answering questions. I was angry that I studied everything that wasn't in the test. Believe me, I know it was good for me myself to study everything anyway as revision, but because my assessments are on the same week it's difficult to plan everything out and make it work.
My CAFs assignment was also due on the same day. I had worked on it the night before, staying up the wholeeeeeee night just to do it because I procrastinated during the 2 weeks I was able to do it. Yes, very smart. As my teacher was going through some of them she said that a lot of us weren't following the criteria, that it was very simple and high marks weren't going to be rewarded as much as she wished to give out. I know I'm one of them; it was a dodgy job to say the least. But I don't mind, because I've done it, and it's out of the way.
Today I had 2 math exams and an English listening exam. At 730 this morning I had an unofficial topic test on Polynomials (3Unit class is before school because it doesn't fit in with our timetable). I was complaining at first (typical of me), but as I was doing it I realised that this was what I needed; I've never learnt polynomials before so with this I realised I don't understand most of the concepts, which is bad because I need to know it or I'm screwed, :/
English was the first official test I had; it was held in the gym so every preliminary student was there. It was a listening task; I think I did well, despite my struggles. English is one of my weak points, since I have no imagination and my interpretations are really bad. But I'm pretty sure I did better than a lot of students, I mean, the kids at my school aren't really a bright bunch....
After our recess break I had my 2UNIT math exam; it was quite short- 4 questions in one hour- but oh were there obstacles. I'm sure I did most of it right, because the questions have smaller questions in it, (if that makes any sense). It was just a few trick questions; other than that I hope I did well.
Tomorrow I have an English essay and analysis due. After my former teacher got promoted, Ms Sake, a grumpy, mean old woman, became our teacher. You could say she's crazy as it is, but it may be a little of a stretch. But yes, she gives out homework like it's nothing because we can do it within a day... :(
I haven't done anything, and I'm not gonna do my essay, though I'll do my analysis. She's scary when she's angry, and I don't really want to feel her wrath.
But she's nice too. Cute, even. And no, not in that "Ngawwww what a little cutie!" But more like "She's so scary but when she smiles, laughs, or makes a joke, it's genuine and is cute." People think I'm weird, I don't know. But it's true. She's a really good teacher; she'll get you confident in no time. Which is exactly what I need to become in the next 6 weeks!
After this week I have tutor homework, my chemistry assignment, TAFE homework, revision on all subjects....
Yep, no sleep for me this year.
:(

Touch - Miss A.

So another one of my little relationship dilemmas have come back, this time cultivated by my friend, Michael.

Andrew has decided to plan an event for the whole group, so girls+guys, to go to Bondi this Saturday. Half of us are already going. I want to go, but I have tutoring during the time we leave for the trains :/ so I posted on the event wall and Andrew, being the funny loser he is, tells me to cancel it "RIGHT NOW." I said I'll try, and Michael comes along to put his 2 cents in it and telling me that my ex boyfriend told him to tell me to come. 

DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY BEATS MY HEART SKIPPED!?

I knew it was a joke, and I was ought to be angry, but even a little white lie could make me happy- though it wasn't white.

Today at school I kept shooting him glares and he kept swearing it was true. When he shouted out "Look, even ask Andrew. ANDREW!" I knew I had to shut his mouth so I covered his mouth with my hand hahas. At that point I was considering he was telling the truth. Then lunch came and Lachlan came back from the doctors- I don't know why he'd come to school when he has 80 minutes of school left lol- and started chasing after Michael. THAT's when I knew he was lying 100%. It was sad to be honest; I was holding on to that small line of love and I get hurt, again. It's unfair, especially of Michael to do that to me.

And this makes me wonder- is it obvious I still miss him? My ex, I mean. The girls know, of course, but the guys? That's another thing. I don't talk to them often and they're usually smoking (ugh!), getting high, or playing LoL and DotA and stuff. So if they ever talk about me, do they bring me and my ex up?

During math this morning Christine, Brandon and I were discussing the beach plan, but he and my ex had tutor that day (so did I). Christine suggested that they go to the station and wait for me and then we go together. My first thought was "Oh, Christine...." and Brandon says "What? And make things even more awkward? No way mate," and I just deflated. :(

I didn't think my ex hated me that much.. lol.

To further my saddened heart, I have class with him tomorrow. Extension math early in the morn', English first 2 periods, and Math last 2. WAE!? All I do is sneak peeks at him, lol -__- I'm sure Maria knows so, does he?

Answer will be revealed...

When the time comes. 

LOL

x

Jealousy.

You'd think that during the holidays that maybe, just maybe, I'd finally use this time wisely to get over my ex boyfriend like a normal person. Yes, a normal person. But, it seems that I am quite the contrary of normal.
The holidays were a time for rest, a stress-free time and time filled with temporary happiness. As it was, I was unable to enjoy my summer break, as I found myself thinking about him every day, at least once. I'd sit in my room, read, and sulk.
It's a bad thing, staying in my room. Everywhere I look there would always be some reminder of when we were together- our date written on my wardrobe; masking tape stuck on the side of the bedside table right where I sleep with our names on it; the fake roses and bear I had been gifted from him for Valentines Day. My Evanescence, BFMV, RJA and Good Charlotte CDs remind me of the time he tricked me in to choosing him a Linkin Park CD when it was actually for me (which I didn't take, I'm stubborn, you see). Horror movies make me remember the time he clung to me at the cinemas when he was scared.
There are the many perfect romances in the novels I read, and I tear up when I read them because I so wish it was us. It hurts, and I hate it.
I think not taking photos of ourselves together was a good thing, because if we had I know I wouldn't have gotten over him.


I'm back a school, and senior has started off pretty straight forward. I've settled in to my classes fairly quickly,  but the relationship with my friends is still rocky, since I haven't spoken to them since last year. Not to mention my ex hanging around, and talking to my girlfriends, and texting my girlfriends, and even sharing food with my girlfriends. Yes, seeing him with my friends, or any girl as a matter of fact, drives me nuts. My insides crawl and at that moment all I can think about is pushing the chick up the wall and telling her to get lost, in very impolite terms.
Take 2 days ago, for example; we were in math class and he was seated on the table next to me in the next row. The class was laughing at one of the student's jokes, and then he texted my friend who was sitting in front of me. With no respect or courtesy to my obvious feelings, he asked whether she received the SMS. Wow, it didn't matter that I was half pouring my heart to her about 10 minutes ago. I don't know whether his actions and words were said on purpose or not. I don't really want to know.
Yesterday he had some chips with another of my friends. Chips! I hated it, and all he did was eat some chips with her!
The same girl from math class came up to me and tried to stab me with a mini fake sword the boys received from our guyfriend who just came back from Vietnam. I took hold of it and asked who it belonged to, and she replied with "Oh, it's Lach-"
My heart raced and I shoved it back in her hand, feeling like I was burnt. And in a sense, I was. She knew I still loved him, everyone does. She only seemed to remember at that point though, and mumbled something I didn't hear. I sat back down and told myself not to touch anything else a girl was going to hold.
I find it unfair how everyone and anyone could talk to him, yet I cannot even look at him in the eye. Seems like looking without him seeing me do so is the only way to ever see him.
Jealousy- it's not something I've really experienced before my ex boyfriend, and now that I have, I can tell you first hand that IT SUCKS. Fuelled with a burning desire to hurt any girl who came close to him is not a feeling you should have. But I have it, and really, it does no good to me.
I've become to pathetic, relishing in seeing the back of his head or the sole of his shoes.
Thinking of it now, I can only recall a particular dialogue of my favourite drama Hana Yori Dango. I've quoted this everywhere, because I can relate to how the protagonist is feeling. Hurt, angry, empty, pathetic. Lying about your feelings to get over the one you love, and letting him move on. Thinking about him all day when he doesn't give a second thought. But then he's moved on, and you're still stuck at the beginning.