It hurt at first, just thinking about why he broke up with me. It still hurts. But after telling Jenny, I feel as if weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I never knew what a burden it was to just keep everything up inside and not tell anyone. I thought I would have been okay, would have worked it out myself. But sometimes a friend’s opinion is important to help you get over such things like this.
I shouldn’t say much about Jenny right now, so I’ll just say she’s been having issues within her relationship with her boyfriend. And, trusting only me, Maria, and Naphaly, she told us all about it. It was a lot to take in, because as Jenny herself said, everyone thought she and her boyfriend were the golden couple, that nothing would ever go wrong between them. It isn’t like that, obviously. She’s human too; nothing’s ever perfect, unless you’re the Queen.
A good thing about opening up is that it lets you understand people are actually there for you. Talking about it might lessen the hurt, even if it’s only a little. I like how it was us who Jenny went to for advice. She knew we would be able to understand and help her. I envy her, really. Being able to open up to us because she trusts us is something I’d like to be able to do. Don’t get me wrong, I trust the mentioned 3, but because I’m such a conservative and sensitive person, it’s hard to talk about anything too personal. He was a big part of me and so when we broke up I felt like it was the end of the world. The promises I made to him made it difficult to tell someone. I loved him so much I couldn’t break the promises and bring myself to tell anyone anything about our relationship.
And I think that’s what brought me all my heartbreak.
Not being able to tell someone-anyone- about it was like suppressing my feelings for him inside of me and not letting them go. I think it was this that made me hold on so long, waiting for him to come back even though I knew he wouldn’t. After listening to Jenny, I couldn’t help but tell her my side, because I wanted someone to understand, too. I needed someone to hear me because I wouldn’t hear myself.
I can’t cry in front of my friends; it’s different to my image and is a weakness I should not have, but I shed a little tear. Hearing his name utter from my mouth makes me want to cry, because I hadn’t said his name since June last year. Telling Jenny was a big relief, and it will help, but I don’t think by much. I’m still so, so attached to him. It’s been 9 months already; it’s not fair that I’m the only one holding on.
Jenny thought about it today and told me that there’s a possibility he still likes me. It’s wrong that he’s not talking to me, because if he didn’t like me anymore he’d still talk to me. And I guess to some degree that’s correct. However, I know we separated at a bad spot, so I don’t really believe he still has feelings. Yet she pointed out the boys are still teasing us (separately, of course), that being an indication that he might still have something for me.
I don’t want to hold on to false hope, but I couldn’t help but believe it a little. The eye contact I receive from him for the briefest of moments feel like there’s so much we want to say between each other. The closeness we sometimes have because of space. The sound of
Of course not.
You can tell if you assess his reactions to anything about me that I’m nothing now. It’s like I’m a encumbrance to his past, present, and future. He wants nothing more to do with me, and I have to accept that.
I’d give a lot for a hug from him right now. I’d say yes if he’d ask for me back. But I know if that were to ever happen, then we must talk about our problems. I pointed this out to Jenny as an example as to why she should talk to her boyfriend before things never gets fixed. I used my example to help her. Because I don’t want her to end up like me.
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It hurts, but I can’t give him up.
