Mark recently told me that this is "cruel as the world gets." And yes, it is.
The situation with removing my blog posts is getting out of hand. We argued, and he was foolish enough to show his friend and then laugh about it. Not only that, he and his friend began to mock me by reenacting our conversation! On Facebook!
And now, now, after all this immaturity, he decides to delete the wall posts and apologise to me.
Apologise.
How am I supposed to feel?
I don't think this is something to forgive so easily. I cried a little when I saw the mock posts. If that's what he wanted, then he got it. I said I wouldn't let him get the best of me, but of course he would. He always will.
Besides, his apology didn't for one ounce sound sincere. I didn't get the feel it was him; the words sounded empty and unpromising. I sincerely doubted it was him as well, and believed that this was just his friend playing with me. So I didn't reply.
Until his next message.
Could he make it up in anyway possible?
Sure, if he skinned himself and then jumped off a cliff and let the sharks eat him.
No, of course he can't.
It was then I blew up. I tried to keep my composure, to take his immaturity and reply with cool, calm answers. But it was too much. Make it up to me? How did he think he was going to do that?!
There is so much that has been left unspoken between us. I know for a fact we won't be able to sort it out because we're both too stubborn and scared to bring it up first. We don't want to be wrong either, especially if we know that our differences will make only one of us right. We aren't on speaking terms, we don't even look at each other.
I am not petty enough to ask anything of him. I just wanted a more sincere apology. I want him to reflect and never do that to someone else again, even if it's for his entertainment.
I should have not let this affect me. I said I was over him, but now am I really? Despite all this irrelevant drama, I found myself missing this. I found myself reminiscing the times we talked, how this banter was almost exactly like old times- minus the coldness in our words. Crazy enough, it even made me happy to talk to him, even like this. And it made me scared. It made me scared that I actually might still love him.
But no, I crossed that out. All this is is a longing to be friends. A longing for his promise with being best friends to be fulfilled. A longing that won't be achieved.
But it's okay, i'm supposed to be strong.
Now, I have to reply to his question. Can he do anything for me? I don't know, so I asked him what he thinks he could do for me. Not much I believe.
I want to forgive him. I want to get over it. Maybe after this if we sort something out we can just casually talk then.
But maybe not.
Anyway, here's my song of the week. Secret's new single 'Talk That' speaks a lot to me. The lyrics are real, the music is great, and the girls are sexy (but that's no new news). Much of the lyrics are speak how I feel right now, but feelings always subject to change.
