You'd think that during the holidays that maybe, just maybe, I'd finally use this time wisely to get over my ex boyfriend like a normal person. Yes, a normal person. But, it seems that I am quite the contrary of normal.
The holidays were a time for rest, a stress-free time and time filled with temporary happiness. As it was, I was unable to enjoy my summer break, as I found myself thinking about him every day, at least once. I'd sit in my room, read, and sulk.
It's a bad thing, staying in my room. Everywhere I look there would always be some reminder of when we were together- our date written on my wardrobe; masking tape stuck on the side of the bedside table right where I sleep with our names on it; the fake roses and bear I had been gifted from him for Valentines Day. My Evanescence, BFMV, RJA and Good Charlotte CDs remind me of the time he tricked me in to choosing him a Linkin Park CD when it was actually for me (which I didn't take, I'm stubborn, you see). Horror movies make me remember the time he clung to me at the cinemas when he was scared.
There are the many perfect romances in the novels I read, and I tear up when I read them because I so wish it was us. It hurts, and I hate it.
I think not taking photos of ourselves together was a good thing, because if we had I know I wouldn't have gotten over him.
I'm back a school, and senior has started off pretty straight forward. I've settled in to my classes fairly quickly, but the relationship with my friends is still rocky, since I haven't spoken to them since last year. Not to mention my ex hanging around, and talking to my girlfriends, and texting my girlfriends, and even sharing food with my girlfriends. Yes, seeing him with my friends, or any girl as a matter of fact, drives me nuts. My insides crawl and at that moment all I can think about is pushing the chick up the wall and telling her to get lost, in very impolite terms.
Take 2 days ago, for example; we were in math class and he was seated on the table next to me in the next row. The class was laughing at one of the student's jokes, and then he texted my friend who was sitting in front of me. With no respect or courtesy to my obvious feelings, he asked whether she received the SMS. Wow, it didn't matter that I was half pouring my heart to her about 10 minutes ago. I don't know whether his actions and words were said on purpose or not. I don't really want to know.
Yesterday he had some chips with another of my friends. Chips! I hated it, and all he did was eat some chips with her!
The same girl from math class came up to me and tried to stab me with a mini fake sword the boys received from our guyfriend who just came back from Vietnam. I took hold of it and asked who it belonged to, and she replied with "Oh, it's Lach-"
My heart raced and I shoved it back in her hand, feeling like I was burnt. And in a sense, I was. She knew I still loved him, everyone does. She only seemed to remember at that point though, and mumbled something I didn't hear. I sat back down and told myself not to touch anything else a girl was going to hold.
I find it unfair how everyone and anyone could talk to him, yet I cannot even look at him in the eye. Seems like looking without him seeing me do so is the only way to ever see him.
Jealousy- it's not something I've really experienced before my ex boyfriend, and now that I have, I can tell you first hand that IT SUCKS. Fuelled with a burning desire to hurt any girl who came close to him is not a feeling you should have. But I have it, and really, it does no good to me.
I've become to pathetic, relishing in seeing the back of his head or the sole of his shoes.
Thinking of it now, I can only recall a particular dialogue of my favourite drama Hana Yori Dango. I've quoted this everywhere, because I can relate to how the protagonist is feeling. Hurt, angry, empty, pathetic. Lying about your feelings to get over the one you love, and letting him move on. Thinking about him all day when he doesn't give a second thought. But then he's moved on, and you're still stuck at the beginning.
