It should have been a year, today.

It was only a year ago when you had asked me out.

It was in the afternoon of a Monday, 25th October, to be exact. After school you had walked me to the school gate. You hugged me awkwardly yet adorably on the way. "Christine, will you go out with me?" you asked. I smiled, I said yes as I held the hand that slung on my right shoulder. I couldn't have been happier.

It was then our love truly started.

Everyday from then I loved going to school. I loved seeing you in the morning, though we didn't say hi. I loved having every class together, I loved sitting together. When you'd hold my hand and when you hugged me, I loved it.

I loved sitting near the basketball courts, where you had your arms around my waist and I'd just lean on you. Those blissful moments are the ones I miss most.

I remember the time you came to Liverpool after tutor just to see me. I was happy. When we had our first kiss, I was embarrassed, but I loved it all the same. In my favourite book store in the far right corner, we kissed our first kiss. I smiled in to it before you broke away, and I hugged you to stop my blush showing. Though it was only a short while, I was glad you came to see me.

Then we had our first date, where you watched your first horror. You know, it wasn't even scary! But you were scared when you saw the black eyes; you tried to shield yourself from the frightening sight, burying your head in  the crook of my neck. I held your head and crooned, "It's okay, I'm here," though I'm sure you didn't hear because you were shivering. I loved how we 'made out(was it?)' in the movie, it was fun, loving.

I loved it when you tricked me in choosing a Linkin Park CD by asking which one you should get, but it was for me. Of course I didn't take it, though, how could I?

Remember the times you played Gunbound with me, for me? How we'd verse each other and I'd win even though I was crap at the game, but I was better than you? Remember the times we'd skype and talk about anything and everything, and only we could understand? Remember the time we video called and showed our homes to each other? It was fun. I loved that, too.

Those were just some of the things I loved about you.

One of the things I really loved was how our hands fit, fit. Like they were made for each other and no-one else's. You'd remind me and I'd admire, and I fell in love with you more each day. 

Though I hated to admit it, I loved it when you called me beautiful. I loved it so much, my heart is aching right now thinking about it. 

Every day was a great day; I could tell you everything and anything and you wouldn't judge or anything. We'd see each other 5 days a week, which seemed like it was not enough. And it wasn't. I wanted to see you everyday, you know. I missed you on the weekend so, so much. Every weekend when I saw Cathy or Julie or Helen or Kevin, all I'd do is talk about what happens between me and you. Appropriate things. They could tell I loved you from the bottom of my heart, through my veins, everywhere.

And then after 4 months things started going downhill. It was Christmas holiday, and I started shutting you out when I started going deeply sad. I couldn't trust anyone, not even you. And I should have, but I was just scared of telling you. How would you have thought of me if I told you? I was scared to know. We reconciled when we came back to school, and everything was normal again. But then I did it again, and eventually you couldn't take it. You broke up with me, and that was when everything for me crashed. I died mentally. I couldn't see, eat, hear, breathe. I just cried and cried, missing you only after I realised what I did. An agonising one month without you. A month where I couldn't even cope with a small thing like breaking up.

It was your birthday by then, and I couldn't go through the day without saying happy birthday to you. So I got the confidence to say it online, despite being scared.When you replied, I was over the moon. I was so, so happy, I felt tingles. Julie was there, so she knew. And when we talked that night and the next night, I couldn't contain my happiness. I felt as though I was breathing in life again. And then on April the 14th, two days after your birthday, you asked me out again. You ventured all the way to my home, lying to your parents by saying there was a party, and asked me out again. I was happy, nervous, surprised. Oh so surprised. I thought it was a mean dream, but it was real. You had straightened your hair then; it was cute.

We sat at the end of the street in each other's arms, kissing as though it was the end of the world. Then, you had a bleeding nose. It was such a funny moment! We went to my house and I introduced you to my mom, not as my boyfriend but just a friend. I didn't want to embarrass you just yet, haha. We spent an hour or so in my room with Tamira, talking about random things and seeing my random things. Then you left, and I couldn't kiss you goodbye. I was saddened, but we were together, and that was all that counted.

It was really awkward at school, though. We didn't interact in any way, only spoke online. I guess it was because we were used to avoiding each other at school. But I didn't think much of it, I just loved being called your girlfriend, and calling you my boyfriend. And then on the 7th of June you made me so, extremely happy. I was waiting at class and you were standing there with your friends, as you left you looked at me, with a small smile on your face. Oh, was I ecstatic! I was so happy for the rest of the day, I bragged about it to Maria and Christine in roll call.

Oh, and do you remember the time we sat opposite each other on the bus to hockey? You nudged my foot and I smile, nudging back. Just that little thing showed the affection we had for each other.

And then 2 days later things went downhill. Badly.

You thought I lied,cheated, whatever, but I didn't. I was hurt when you told me to break up with you; how could you ask something like that from me? You knew I wouldn't, yet you told me to. And when I was in denial, you took lead and did it first. Again. And I was left heartbroken again, even though you said we'd be best friends. You didn't even make the effort to, you just left me stranded on an unknown island when you went out with Darlyna 3 days after that. Is that what you meant when you said you'd help me get over you? Because it didn't, it just made things worst. I was depressed, so to speak, after that. Everything became black and white and motionless. I started failing class because I missed you so much and the aftermath of it left me so heartbroken. And it clashed with all this family bullshit and friendship issues and whatnot- what could I have done? Nothing, nothing at all. Because whatever I did could not have changed our, and my, fate.

You've changed so much. So, so much. You stopped listening to your usual kpop and began to follow the trend with all the English music and stuff. It was weird. Your way of speaking began to change, too, and it hurt me. You associated yourself with some of the worst people I could think of. But what could I do to stop you? Nothing.

For four months I had missed you, crying occasionally and reminiscing frequently. I couldn't forget you, no matter how hard I tried. I thought about what shouldn't have happened and what could have been. But now, I think I'm ready to let go. I'll remember everything, and will always consider you as my first, true, boyfriend. I will remember your favourite colour, your hated vegetable, you favourite fruit, you and your games, you and your small eyes, large hands, proportioned nose, egg head, fringed hair; I will remember our talks, our hugs, our kisses. I'll remember everything until time fades it away in to blurry images. 

I loved you so much. No matter what I wrote, what others thought, you were supposed to only believe in me. My irrational thoughts brought us down, up and down again, but do you understand irrational? You'd do almost anything for the one you love. I thought I was doing that, but I guess I didn't.

I'm sorry. I really did love you, I swear. I wish to talk to you, to see how you've been doing, but I guess that's going to be impossible. 

I loved you, but I think I'm ready to let go now.

Goodbye..

x

A day out with my lovely friend, Tu

A break from my usual days and depression, I went out today to Strathfield with my friend Tu for the food festival. The first thing I thought when I arrived was Koreans. Koreans, Koreans, Koreans. KOREANS! A place with the majority of the community being Korean. I was in temporary heaven! After taking the bus and train to get to the suburb, we both were greeted by an extremely cute guy who recommended us to a great Yoghurt shop called Moochi. We thanked him and took the vouchers, and went around looking at the food stalls. The first place we ate at was colotaki, a takoyaki shop. And oh my God was it delicious. My mouth was watering 'cause it was so good. After that we walked around, not really interested in anything. I was surprised by how small it was, the event I mean. I thought it was gonna be huge, but this one was just around the plaza, so. After seeing our friends Jenny and Kevin we went to Moochi to eat yoghurt; I had a pomengranate yoghurt with peaches, and using my voucher I got a free original with oreos. They were both great.

We met with Tu's friends and hung for a while before they left. We sought Jenny and Kevin again and for the rest of the day we walked around and ate. I had dukkbokki, seafood pancake, wagyu beef, milk soda, strawberry shortcake, and Japanese sticky cake that looked like watermelon. YUM!

We also went to morning glory, where I bought Korean stickers, lol.

Yeah, all I did was eat, but it was still an exciting day for me. Hopefully I haven't become too tan from today.

Oh, did I say there were Koreans? I was drowning myself in ecstasy as I heard them greet and talk to each other and spazzed when I understood a word. I also saw JK Ent's posters about the KPOP fest around, and touching it made me feel awesome.

Yeah, crazy obsession.

I forgot my camera- did I say that?

x

Looks like I haven't here in a while.

And to put it short, my feelings are no different than from what I had last posted.

Or, well, maybe I feel a littler better.

Last week grade 10 had the yearly exams. To say the least, I did not do well in any subject. With the majority of my reasoning being the inability to study due to distractions, my unfocused self was also to blame. I was able to go through the week, barely, though I had many thoughts of 'releasing' my pain. I decided not to, 'cause people would think weird of me, if they already hadn't.

All the tests were horrible; I was foolish to think I'd do okay in History, Geography, English, IST and Food Technology. Now that I had received my mark for Health (which I will not state), and getting my mark for History (33/50), I no longer have the expectations I had for myself. At most,  I'd probably pass my tests by a few marks, which will not go down well once I tell my family. Knowingly so, I'm beginning to train myself to not go crazy after I tell them. Of course, the road I have ahead of me won't be smooth, so bumpy rides and death, here I come.

During the last week after our exams we were able to leave early. Getting away from the family, I told mom to pick me up an hour after I actually finished my tests, which she didn't know. Hanging out with Liskov made me feel heaps better, because he was someone I trusted and knew what I was going through at the time. Sorta. Anyway, he was a person I was comfortable with, so for the hour I had after the end of my exams I'd walk around his suburb and admire the invigorating area; trees green for the spring and clean-cut grass; a quiet park and a small lake; yeah, I envy Liskov a lot.

On Thursday mom thought I jigged 'cause she received a text from school saying I was absent. That day I finished my exams at 1, and told mom to pick me up at 2. But because she was so worried I jigged, she sat in the car in front of the school from 11 till I came out. Why? I can understand her concern for me, but because I'm not on good terms with my family, I tend to get angry at the smallest things, even mom's concern.

Friday was a good day, the happiness was memorable, I guess. I usually forget times I'm happy. Anyway,  again I went around the suburb with Liskov, and he showed me this hill near his home that had a great view of the area. I loved it, though the walk was long. I felt as though I was in charge for once as I looked down at the small houses and new developing city. I felt happy as the cool breeze kissed my skin. The heat was momentarily forgotten as I savoured the view. As we headed back down, Liskov let me in to his home since his parents were gone. And, just as I predicted, I was immediately envious of him and the luxurious place he lived in. Everything around me screamed ELEGANT and VINTAGE and SHEEK and whatnot. A house with the furniture and styling I've always wanted, and a backyard with mutiple benches and ever growing sprouts and flowers. I was in love with his house, just like I knew I'd be. What I loved the most was how his parents had 2 seats in their room-you know, the kind that showed the romance and intimacy of the couple? It was cute. I saw a photo of his sister, and she was really pretty (I envy!). His mom seems to like to collect china, and I noticed we sort of, sort of, had a similarity. Old style and collecting things, china and yeah, lols. Idk, I love his home, though I quite admit it was smaller than I thought. But then again, my home's smaller, so I can't complain. After hanging about for half an hour we walked back to school, waiting for my sister to pick me up. Halfway my sister said she'd be late, and again I got angry, blaming her about not being able to stay longer at a house I dreamed to live in. Liskov and I talked many things, and when it was time for me to leave we said our goodbyes and turned our backs to each other. I felt bad- he had accompanied me on the days I stayed back, strolling with me and even walking me to and from school.

Now that school has resumed, I don't what I'll do when I wanna get away from them. Because mom and I got in to another stupid argument, I'm planning to just sit at the hill Liskov showed me, and chill. If it's not raining, that is. I need to get away from home for a while, it's too stuffy there.

Which reminds me. My birthday's coming up soon, and my sister had decided to throw me a party, even though I had already made it clear I don't want one. Why? Because my cousin wants to eat something we only have at parties, and to do so my sister decided to make a party. Without telling me. Fucking stupid. That will ruin my day. Does she think I'd be happy? Happy if I invite friends over? Fucking no. So, she better stop this before I snap. No joke.

Well, I need to go, I'm getting angrier by the minute. /sigh.

Nights x

I'm sick, I'm tired, so let's get this over this.

As many of you don't know, I've been feeling down in the dumps lately. And don't ask why, because I don't even have a reason to be down (or do I?). And this is nothing compared to my fambam who is 'diagnosed' with depression.

*sigh, I don't even know what's wrong. 

Do you know how scared I am right now? Now that I keep talking about it with Liskov, I feel as though I'm dying too quick. Drowsiness all the time but not wanting to sleep, inability to eat anything (lately), sadness about everything even if it's fun. I'm beginning to shut my family out again. Or should I say, even more.

I was crying myself to sleep, the other day. I don't know why. Reminiscing about good and bad things, I guess. That's what happens when I'm alone.

Lately I haven't been able to eat. I put one thing in my mouth and I want to spit it out, I don't even want to chew it. But I do, because the family thinks I'm on a stupid diet. Lolno, fuck you. I'm scared, because I can't even when I'm hungry.

Last night I was scared to close my eyes, seriously. I was scared I wasn't going to wake up, that's how bad it was.

And now, after every itsy, bitsy, tiny thing, it's already taking over me. Not just since during the 2 week holiday, but during school last term, too. My grades are dropping rapidly, so fast I'm scared I won't make it in to the classes I need to go. I used to not be so worried about my weight because I can lose it, but now? Now, I don't want to gain, I just want my body to eat it so I won't have to do anything. I don't want to sleep; I just want to stay awake so I can see daylight, if it even shows.

I'm lifeless, you know. 

This is really bad, considering my yearly examinations just started today. I can't concentrate- I can't study and I'm falling asleep in the actual exams. Nowadays, even concentrating for 2 hours is difficult. I can't even finish a horror movie because it's so boring. And horror movies should be scary. It's weird, for sure. 

I'm scared. I think something's wrong with me, but I can't ask anyone to help. I just can't. What if they think I'm retarded? I'm fucked up and they shy away? I already have nobody, I can't even lose that..

Cupcakes, :3

Update again :) I've noticed I seem to update aimlessly about everything that happens, lols.

Well, we had all finished baking the cupcakes, both large and small. Sitting in front of the TV, we watched Friday the 13th, which is such a crap movie, lols. It wasn't scary at all, and I wanted to sleep :L

Right now, we're all playing billiards, haha. Screaming and shit, yet I'm here all quiet :L

Gonna go now, :L

x

PICNICCCCCCCCCCC!

It's Tuesday and it seems today is another public holiday. I, with my nieces, nephews and famfriend's, went to the area's local park to have a picnic.

Last night I slept at 5AM, and was woke 5 hours later when Cathy and Julie came running to my room. I didn't even know what time it was until I checked my phone. I shat my pants- I was supposed to be awake at 9! Why did I sleep in :( We rushed to Coles and the fruit shop to buy all our ingredients. $100 for 11 people? Bargain! When we arrived home Tony N was there, and so we all rushed around making food- onigiri (Japanese rice balls), shrimp tempura, tuna pasta, finger sandwiches, fruit salad, sausages, and caesar salad. We didn't have time to make potato salad and other foods, :( We cooked for 2 hours, omgosh! IT was fun yet frustrating. I was saddened and angered when I heard my older sister call me fat... So while cutting fruit I was grumpy, and I sliced my middle left finger, lol. Stinging was all I felt.

When Helen and Kevin came over, we all left to the park. I'm pretty sure the whole lot of us were annoyed, since my nieces Elaine and Ellena had to come. I'm not being mean, but omg they're really annoying and no-one likes them, but my sister makes me take them. Lol no bitch, fuck off. So we took them with us, boo.

Tony Tran came later; he brought along his cousins? Jarod and Damon. Hung out for a while, played at the park, with the ball, cards, played Yu Gi Oh, and ate Coles black forest cake, LOL. It was fun in the end.

Now we're baking at my place- hopefully everything turns out right!  Will update later tonight :)

x

Bondi Junction Westfields and Lindt cafe!

It's a public holiday today so my sister took the family to the city. We changed our route to go Bondi halfway, and went shopping at the huge Westfield mall there. It was awesome; I was given $100 to spend on myself, which I didn't, because I followed my younger sister and niece to shops where they could buy their own clothes. It was a bummer for me- maybe I should start shopping online since I can find my style there. All I bought in the end was a sample chocolate and two test tubes of jelly beans- mango and watermelon- from an awesome shop called The Happy Lab. And boy, were they happy, LOL. They were very nice and professional, showing us what they had in store and all. I liked this shop- it had a science feel to it, hence the name. Even the staff for lab coats, so cute!

Afterwards we went to Darling Harbour to eat at the Lindt cafe. I bought 6 macaroons/macarons- Apple cinnamon, vanilla, champagne, hazelnut, pistachio and strawberry. All were nice but the strawberry. Remind me not to eat strawberry macarons, I don't like them- I've even them everywhere, too :L

My sister bought 3 slices of cake, and a bag full of assorted Lindt chocolate balls, yum! It was such an overload of chocolate though. Not to mention my younger niece wanting some sort of folie cake thing, lols.

The day was boring though; I didn't do much except 'follow the leader'. 

After a tiring day at the city, we went over to Cathy's house again- we were having banh xeo, which I didn't take a photo of because I left my camera in the car, haha. I almost threw up- I was sharing a plate with my niece Elaine, and everyone knows I don't like her. She had her own banh xeo, and I had mine. She didn't even eat half of hers when she started on mine. Do you know how pissed I was? Fucking, I ate to a point then stopped 'cause I felt ick, and asked my sister to cook me another one, which she did. I glared at Elaine to warn her not to eat my fucking food, lol. She didn't, and I ate peacefully.

Now I'm at home, wasting my life away.  I had a massive headache, so I sanely took 2 tablets of paracetamol. I would have taken more, but I wanted to be safe this time, lol. Now, I'm reading allkpop and talking to Liskov. I'mma play tetris later, haha. The net's too slow right now.

Yeah, I had eaten a load of it before I took a picture :L

Tomorrow I'm going on a picnic; we're gonna have loads of fun :3

x