It was only a year ago when you had asked me out.
It was in the afternoon of a Monday, 25th October, to be exact. After school you had walked me to the school gate. You hugged me awkwardly yet adorably on the way. "Christine, will you go out with me?" you asked. I smiled, I said yes as I held the hand that slung on my right shoulder. I couldn't have been happier.
It was then our love truly started.
Everyday from then I loved going to school. I loved seeing you in the morning, though we didn't say hi. I loved having every class together, I loved sitting together. When you'd hold my hand and when you hugged me, I loved it.
I loved sitting near the basketball courts, where you had your arms around my waist and I'd just lean on you. Those blissful moments are the ones I miss most.
I remember the time you came to Liverpool after tutor just to see me. I was happy. When we had our first kiss, I was embarrassed, but I loved it all the same. In my favourite book store in the far right corner, we kissed our first kiss. I smiled in to it before you broke away, and I hugged you to stop my blush showing. Though it was only a short while, I was glad you came to see me.
Then we had our first date, where you watched your first horror. You know, it wasn't even scary! But you were scared when you saw the black eyes; you tried to shield yourself from the frightening sight, burying your head in the crook of my neck. I held your head and crooned, "It's okay, I'm here," though I'm sure you didn't hear because you were shivering. I loved how we 'made out(was it?)' in the movie, it was fun, loving.
I loved it when you tricked me in choosing a Linkin Park CD by asking which one you should get, but it was for me. Of course I didn't take it, though, how could I?
Remember the times you played Gunbound with me, for me? How we'd verse each other and I'd win even though I was crap at the game, but I was better than you? Remember the times we'd skype and talk about anything and everything, and only we could understand? Remember the time we video called and showed our homes to each other? It was fun. I loved that, too.
Those were just some of the things I loved about you.
One of the things I really loved was how our hands fit, fit. Like they were made for each other and no-one else's. You'd remind me and I'd admire, and I fell in love with you more each day.
Though I hated to admit it, I loved it when you called me beautiful. I loved it so much, my heart is aching right now thinking about it.
Every day was a great day; I could tell you everything and anything and you wouldn't judge or anything. We'd see each other 5 days a week, which seemed like it was not enough. And it wasn't. I wanted to see you everyday, you know. I missed you on the weekend so, so much. Every weekend when I saw Cathy or Julie or Helen or Kevin, all I'd do is talk about what happens between me and you. Appropriate things. They could tell I loved you from the bottom of my heart, through my veins, everywhere.
And then after 4 months things started going downhill. It was Christmas holiday, and I started shutting you out when I started going deeply sad. I couldn't trust anyone, not even you. And I should have, but I was just scared of telling you. How would you have thought of me if I told you? I was scared to know. We reconciled when we came back to school, and everything was normal again. But then I did it again, and eventually you couldn't take it. You broke up with me, and that was when everything for me crashed. I died mentally. I couldn't see, eat, hear, breathe. I just cried and cried, missing you only after I realised what I did. An agonising one month without you. A month where I couldn't even cope with a small thing like breaking up.
It was your birthday by then, and I couldn't go through the day without saying happy birthday to you. So I got the confidence to say it online, despite being scared.When you replied, I was over the moon. I was so, so happy, I felt tingles. Julie was there, so she knew. And when we talked that night and the next night, I couldn't contain my happiness. I felt as though I was breathing in life again. And then on April the 14th, two days after your birthday, you asked me out again. You ventured all the way to my home, lying to your parents by saying there was a party, and asked me out again. I was happy, nervous, surprised. Oh so surprised. I thought it was a mean dream, but it was real. You had straightened your hair then; it was cute.
We sat at the end of the street in each other's arms, kissing as though it was the end of the world. Then, you had a bleeding nose. It was such a funny moment! We went to my house and I introduced you to my mom, not as my boyfriend but just a friend. I didn't want to embarrass you just yet, haha. We spent an hour or so in my room with Tamira, talking about random things and seeing my random things. Then you left, and I couldn't kiss you goodbye. I was saddened, but we were together, and that was all that counted.
It was really awkward at school, though. We didn't interact in any way, only spoke online. I guess it was because we were used to avoiding each other at school. But I didn't think much of it, I just loved being called your girlfriend, and calling you my boyfriend. And then on the 7th of June you made me so, extremely happy. I was waiting at class and you were standing there with your friends, as you left you looked at me, with a small smile on your face. Oh, was I ecstatic! I was so happy for the rest of the day, I bragged about it to Maria and Christine in roll call.
Oh, and do you remember the time we sat opposite each other on the bus to hockey? You nudged my foot and I smile, nudging back. Just that little thing showed the affection we had for each other.
And then 2 days later things went downhill. Badly.
You thought I lied,cheated, whatever, but I didn't. I was hurt when you told me to break up with you; how could you ask something like that from me? You knew I wouldn't, yet you told me to. And when I was in denial, you took lead and did it first. Again. And I was left heartbroken again, even though you said we'd be best friends. You didn't even make the effort to, you just left me stranded on an unknown island when you went out with Darlyna 3 days after that. Is that what you meant when you said you'd help me get over you? Because it didn't, it just made things worst. I was depressed, so to speak, after that. Everything became black and white and motionless. I started failing class because I missed you so much and the aftermath of it left me so heartbroken. And it clashed with all this family bullshit and friendship issues and whatnot- what could I have done? Nothing, nothing at all. Because whatever I did could not have changed our, and my, fate.
You've changed so much. So, so much. You stopped listening to your usual kpop and began to follow the trend with all the English music and stuff. It was weird. Your way of speaking began to change, too, and it hurt me. You associated yourself with some of the worst people I could think of. But what could I do to stop you? Nothing.
For four months I had missed you, crying occasionally and reminiscing frequently. I couldn't forget you, no matter how hard I tried. I thought about what shouldn't have happened and what could have been. But now, I think I'm ready to let go. I'll remember everything, and will always consider you as my first, true, boyfriend. I will remember your favourite colour, your hated vegetable, you favourite fruit, you and your games, you and your small eyes, large hands, proportioned nose, egg head, fringed hair; I will remember our talks, our hugs, our kisses. I'll remember everything until time fades it away in to blurry images.
I loved you so much. No matter what I wrote, what others thought, you were supposed to only believe in me. My irrational thoughts brought us down, up and down again, but do you understand irrational? You'd do almost anything for the one you love. I thought I was doing that, but I guess I didn't.
I'm sorry. I really did love you, I swear. I wish to talk to you, to see how you've been doing, but I guess that's going to be impossible.
I loved you, but I think I'm ready to let go now.
Goodbye..
x
