And to put it short, my feelings are no different than from what I had last posted.
Or, well, maybe I feel a littler better.
Last week grade 10 had the yearly exams. To say the least, I did not do well in any subject. With the majority of my reasoning being the inability to study due to distractions, my unfocused self was also to blame. I was able to go through the week, barely, though I had many thoughts of 'releasing' my pain. I decided not to, 'cause people would think weird of me, if they already hadn't.
All the tests were horrible; I was foolish to think I'd do okay in History, Geography, English, IST and Food Technology. Now that I had received my mark for Health (which I will not state), and getting my mark for History (33/50), I no longer have the expectations I had for myself. At most, I'd probably pass my tests by a few marks, which will not go down well once I tell my family. Knowingly so, I'm beginning to train myself to not go crazy after I tell them. Of course, the road I have ahead of me won't be smooth, so bumpy rides and death, here I come.
During the last week after our exams we were able to leave early. Getting away from the family, I told mom to pick me up an hour after I actually finished my tests, which she didn't know. Hanging out with Liskov made me feel heaps better, because he was someone I trusted and knew what I was going through at the time. Sorta. Anyway, he was a person I was comfortable with, so for the hour I had after the end of my exams I'd walk around his suburb and admire the invigorating area; trees green for the spring and clean-cut grass; a quiet park and a small lake; yeah, I envy Liskov a lot.
On Thursday mom thought I jigged 'cause she received a text from school saying I was absent. That day I finished my exams at 1, and told mom to pick me up at 2. But because she was so worried I jigged, she sat in the car in front of the school from 11 till I came out. Why? I can understand her concern for me, but because I'm not on good terms with my family, I tend to get angry at the smallest things, even mom's concern.
Friday was a good day, the happiness was memorable, I guess. I usually forget times I'm happy. Anyway, again I went around the suburb with Liskov, and he showed me this hill near his home that had a great view of the area. I loved it, though the walk was long. I felt as though I was in charge for once as I looked down at the small houses and new developing city. I felt happy as the cool breeze kissed my skin. The heat was momentarily forgotten as I savoured the view. As we headed back down, Liskov let me in to his home since his parents were gone. And, just as I predicted, I was immediately envious of him and the luxurious place he lived in. Everything around me screamed ELEGANT and VINTAGE and SHEEK and whatnot. A house with the furniture and styling I've always wanted, and a backyard with mutiple benches and ever growing sprouts and flowers. I was in love with his house, just like I knew I'd be. What I loved the most was how his parents had 2 seats in their room-you know, the kind that showed the romance and intimacy of the couple? It was cute. I saw a photo of his sister, and she was really pretty (I envy!). His mom seems to like to collect china, and I noticed we sort of, sort of, had a similarity. Old style and collecting things, china and yeah, lols. Idk, I love his home, though I quite admit it was smaller than I thought. But then again, my home's smaller, so I can't complain. After hanging about for half an hour we walked back to school, waiting for my sister to pick me up. Halfway my sister said she'd be late, and again I got angry, blaming her about not being able to stay longer at a house I dreamed to live in. Liskov and I talked many things, and when it was time for me to leave we said our goodbyes and turned our backs to each other. I felt bad- he had accompanied me on the days I stayed back, strolling with me and even walking me to and from school.
Now that school has resumed, I don't what I'll do when I wanna get away from them. Because mom and I got in to another stupid argument, I'm planning to just sit at the hill Liskov showed me, and chill. If it's not raining, that is. I need to get away from home for a while, it's too stuffy there.
Which reminds me. My birthday's coming up soon, and my sister had decided to throw me a party, even though I had already made it clear I don't want one. Why? Because my cousin wants to eat something we only have at parties, and to do so my sister decided to make a party. Without telling me. Fucking stupid. That will ruin my day. Does she think I'd be happy? Happy if I invite friends over? Fucking no. So, she better stop this before I snap. No joke.
Well, I need to go, I'm getting angrier by the minute. /sigh.
Nights x
