As many of you don't know, I've been feeling down in the dumps lately. And don't ask why, because I don't even have a reason to be down (or do I?). And this is nothing compared to my fambam who is 'diagnosed' with depression.
*sigh, I don't even know what's wrong.
Do you know how scared I am right now? Now that I keep talking about it with Liskov, I feel as though I'm dying too quick. Drowsiness all the time but not wanting to sleep, inability to eat anything (lately), sadness about everything even if it's fun. I'm beginning to shut my family out again. Or should I say, even more.
I was crying myself to sleep, the other day. I don't know why. Reminiscing about good and bad things, I guess. That's what happens when I'm alone.
Lately I haven't been able to eat. I put one thing in my mouth and I want to spit it out, I don't even want to chew it. But I do, because the family thinks I'm on a stupid diet. Lolno, fuck you. I'm scared, because I can't even when I'm hungry.
Last night I was scared to close my eyes, seriously. I was scared I wasn't going to wake up, that's how bad it was.
And now, after every itsy, bitsy, tiny thing, it's already taking over me. Not just since during the 2 week holiday, but during school last term, too. My grades are dropping rapidly, so fast I'm scared I won't make it in to the classes I need to go. I used to not be so worried about my weight because I can lose it, but now? Now, I don't want to gain, I just want my body to eat it so I won't have to do anything. I don't want to sleep; I just want to stay awake so I can see daylight, if it even shows.
I'm lifeless, you know.
This is really bad, considering my yearly examinations just started today. I can't concentrate- I can't study and I'm falling asleep in the actual exams. Nowadays, even concentrating for 2 hours is difficult. I can't even finish a horror movie because it's so boring. And horror movies should be scary. It's weird, for sure.
I'm scared. I think something's wrong with me, but I can't ask anyone to help. I just can't. What if they think I'm retarded? I'm fucked up and they shy away? I already have nobody, I can't even lose that..
