Strength to be strong.

I don't think I was ever really afraid of death. I always accepted it as a natural part of life itself; a cycle of karma and reincarnation. It is the way in which we part the world that was rather worrying for me. But now after the loss of someone, and now that I have found love- my true love, I fear it immensely. I am scared everyday by the thought of being separated without the chance of saying anything to one another, of one of us going first and leaving the other behind. But it is inevitable that one of us will leave first, for age has mercy for noone. I could not fathom the pain I would feel if he were not by my side.
With this love I also fear the idea of not being good enough. I am neither artistic or creative, smart or talented. I don't have anything to wow anyone. I am not athletic, I am not a chef. And yet he is everything. All I am is a girl who blames my poor economic status since birth that hindered me from many opportunities and left me with only the basics to survive. I don't blame my parents - they have done everything they could in their situation and I am grateful. I just don't have anything to offer.
But I also know love is about being brave. Brave- not in the absence of fear, but by the willingness to try and overcome it in order to live the fullest, most satisfying and successful life you could have. And I am trying so hard to be brave, because it is the truth that my soul and his have been entwined since the beginning. All I have in this lifetime however is the enormity of my emotions- I just wonder if it is enough.

Change.

I feel like my life is finally starting to fall into place and that what I've been searching for is soon going to reveal itself to me. It is concerning that I have been working towards something I don't fully know yet, but my path has always been one of a blind struggle. But with the help of my loved one, I can unabashedly say that my vision for my future is becoming clearer with time. And I couldn't be happier and without too much worry.
The last month has been a major shift in my daily routine. I have moved into my boyfriend's family's home; my sister has sold the shop meaning I no longer work for her; I have finished my exams for the year; and I am as happy as ever. With the help of Tina who I am forever grateful for, I strengthened my will to be hard headed and decide to leave home. Living with my sister has always been toxic and stressful, and time apart has given me room to finally breathe. My new family home has been as welcoming as it can be, in the sense that my boyfriend's family isn't as close as the cousins I'm used to. But mom and his sister is lovely, and the rest of the family is pleasant enough so I'm happy with that. I do miss my daily talks with my younger sister, but I know we'll make time to see each other.
Work is now a new environment as with the takeover of new management, much needed changes were made to the store. We have a better presentation of the shop and the cleaning routine is one to my standards. However, with the new owners being a family friend, I do feel a little taken advantage of. My position right now is mixed; I can't tell whether I'm a regular employee or the manager. I have no qualms with helping the new owners settle in, in fact I like it. I know the shop the best, I know what's needed and what's where. I don't however like that they've thrown themselves into this owning position without first researching what the shop was about, what it needed, and most importantly, the clientele. Our customers are our income, and the employment of inexperienced workers is extremely troublesome as our clientele base is our regulars. They have become dependant on me to solve everything for them. It's a struggle. I want to help them but we've been so busy at work, and me being non stop I do not have the time to walk them through on how to maximise profit while keeping a happy and loyal client base. With that said, the shop is currently in chaos, and a meeting needs to be held ASAP. If not, I feel like the shop will go under real quick, especially if I decide to leave due to stress.
Onto happier things. I feel like I should have made a separate post to talk of my appreciation, admiration and love for my boyfriend but that would be cheesy af and also gross and lame lol so I won't. But I need to write it somewhere because my feelings are bursting at the seams and while I have no grievances about giving all my love to him, if I can't express it elsewhere I feel like I will smother him. Bao has been a godsend. He has been the light of my life since the beginning of this year, and probably even from before when we were just friends. He has shown me a new life with new adventures. He has given me all these emotions I thought I had forgotten. He has given me a hand to hold and to share experiences with. Who would have thought that my person who was in synchrony with me was around me all along. I love him so much it makes me cry. I can't see myself with anyone else, nor would I want to. Bao is my lifelong partner, for this life and the next. I love him so much. Bao, I love you.

Home.

I don't think I've ever really felt at home. The roof over my head is just that- a roof over my head. My family is my foundation but I can't seem to build anything with them. My body is a temple that I can't find peace in. And my mind is a never-ending tornado of dark tangled thoughts that I can't separate from. I am so used to feeling displaced that I have never thought to look for it. And I haven't, but it seems to have found me.
Home. A place I can feel comfortable in and comforted by. A place I look forward to coming back to everyday. A place I can't get off my mind even when I want to. A place I'm also afraid to let know.
Depression's got a funny way of dictating the way you feel. You can be happy but never truly experience the extent of it because they're always around, holding onto you relentlessly. And it's only a figurative being, not literal, but it still feels like someone physically next to you whispering negative things in your ear until that's all you can hear. I want to be happy, but I'm scared of what will happen when I am too happy. In all honesty I am now already happy, and already I am scared. I don't want to keep losing the good things in life, and I know I can help it but at the same time I can't.
Tell me, how do I keep my home by me if I can't embrace it? How can I let this fear go and not let it overtake me and the person I can become? If only it were so simple.

Butterfly.

To the people you hold dear to you, how do you explain the inescapable void that you have created and can't let go of? The enormity of the sorrow that eats you up from the inside out? The deep yet blank stares of your eyes?
How do I consider myself beautiful when all I see are the scars of weight gain and self infliction?  How and to whom am I worth it when I cannot see how I can contribute anything other than the heaviness that is this emptiness? How can I let someone walk beside me when all I do is walk behind me?
My eyes are but a glass window for me to see the beauty of life but to not experience it. These ears that are blessed with the ability to recognise sounds only seek the melodies of the dejected. My mouth I use to speak but only what is want to be heard.
But the rest? Who can hear me out? Who will hear me out? How do I open up this messed up mind in which I cannot put into words? I cannot pinpoint one thought, but if you were to take the grains out of the sands and the droplets out of the ocean, can you imagine then the vast, dry horizon of everlasting despair? Strip the trees of their leaves and the flowers of their colour like I do, and life is bleak and lifeless.
To the people who love me, I am sorry I cannot return the intensity. I am weak and introverted. But I know I am blessed to have you by my side. Please wait a little longer. I am but a wanderer looking for something I have yet to know what is. I am still learning to appreciate the end of day, and then the rise of the sun. I am still learning to react to love I don't think I deserve. The world is big and I'm just beginning to discover it.