Caged.

I am a caged bird. I am stuck inside a prison made up of helplessness, fear, and slavery. I am a butterfly with broken wings. I cannot grow. I am constantly shrivelling into someone who is unable to stand up for herself and get what she wants.
I no longer want to ask if I can do something, buy something, get something. I want to be able to do it myself without having asking. I don't want my decision to be made by someone else- it is my life, my body, my money, me. I am not going to stay some obedient machine who says yes to every order they are given. I am way past that now. My feelings have been kept inside too long and I am close to popping the lid open.
My sister is not my mother. She's not even my sister. We share the same mother but only half the blood. I am not going to let her dictate my life anymore. She thinks because she looks after me she can direct my life her way. Not anymore. I am an adult now, and I am able to make my own decisions. I am able to choose what I do with my time, when I go out, when I come home, what I do with my money. I should be able to, but I don't. I am always worrying about what she would think, what the consequences from her would be. But why? Why am I worrying about her and not me? Why am I making decisions to keep her happy but me miserable?
She thinks I am selfish. She thinks that all I think about is me. I always ask to go out. I always stay out too late. I never think of the family, or of her work. I never think about the problems going on at home. She thinks I am unaffected by everything and focus on myself. She thinks she gives me everything. She doesn't know anything.
I don't hate her, but I no longer appreciate her. I dislike her so much. I cannot contain it inside any longer. She makes me hate my life, when I should be thankful. She thinks I am very advantageous, when really I lack the stuff I really need. I have monetary desires, but they are not what drives me towards the future. I want the freedom. I want to be able to be out and about and experience the world. I have been disadvantaged from being caged. I don't know anything about the world. I don't know how to look after myself properly because I've been babied by her. I've been babied, yet she thinks I should be able to think for myself. Whose fault is that? Who is it that made me be this way? Before my mom it is her. She is the one who has turned me into this, and she doesn't even know it. She doesn't understand. She thinks she's more forgiving than other people- don't make me laugh. I can't even make a small mistake without being reprimanded.
I am shaking with rage right now. I am laughing at myself because I just said yes to her to something I don't want to do. I am not responsible for her children- just like she is not responsible for me. And yet it is up to me to pick up her child from primary because God knows her errand can't wait another 20minutes. Now she tells me she's going to be home late. This is ridiculous. I am so over it.

Honest with myself.

Confrontation is something I like to avoid to the greatest of my ability. The idea of having something for me to acknowledge when I don't want to is really nerve wracking and fearful. I cannot face something I know I should, simply because I am afraid of the outcome, my reaction, and the affect it will have to everything around me- good or bad.
Today I was met with three questions I have never considered so deeply before: what life is about; what was missing in my life; and what I want from life.
I am a very sensitive person, and being asked such deep questions had me try to shut down and not speak. However the person who asked me these questions made me look them in the eye and name everything that comes to mind when they ask what I am missing in myself and in life. I realised then that I couldn't form the right words for all the qualities I believed I lacked. I could not look them in the eye. I was not only tongue tied, but afraid. But what was I afraid of? Why am I afraid of it? How do I stop being afraid of it?
I cried, unsurprisingly, because I have never had anyone ask me these things so seriously and with so much determination to help me find my way. I am a reserved person- I do not like to share my problems and thoughts because it is too selfish of me to put such heavy weights on other people. Finding the courage and telling someone things so private- let alone having to be honest to myself- had me trying to swallow back tears that wouldn't stop falling.
It is scary, honesty. You never know what can happen.

Say It, Do It.

How many times have you heard me complain about my weight? How many times have I said that I will start today, or next week, or soon, because I didn't want to get fit just yet? I have made too many excuses in the past, given up to easily and too quickly. And I know, I know, that I am capable of so much more than this.
Today I signed up to a three month membership to the gym. It seems so ridiculous that I actually did this, because I am such a self conscious person. I could never possibly work out in front of so many people who will be minding their own business. Even during my consultation I was burning with embarrassment as I stepped on the treadmill for the first time in front of noone but my trainer. I endured it, of course, though I felt extremely silly for signing up afterwards. I couldn't do it, I can't do it, so I shouldn't do it, right?
The only thing that is motivating me right now was the shocking measurements I received today. I stand between being skinny and being chubby- but more on the chubby side, and I have always weighed between 55-57kg, so to find out that I'm only 53.5kg was such a joyous yet confusing moment. Joyous,  because I weigh 3.5kg less than my last weigh in (a month and a half ago), but confusing because I still look the same. I have not gained any muscle, so it irked me that I was able to lose weight but still have arm fat, thigh fat, stomach fat, fat fat fat. Zzzzzzz.
With a new year everyone gains this big motivation to make a change in their life. I hope that I can use this motivation- though extremely small to me than others- to help me get the body and fitness level I want. I hope that I will love myself more because I am happy with myself.
I believe this time round I will be able to do it. I have to, or my money will go to waste. I know I will have a hard time, I know I will fall. I know I will want to give up some time. But, it's only three months, right? I can do it.
I have to do it.