Once in a blue moon.

It is ever rare that I go out with my family on the weekends, and today is one of those rare days.
Last night I slept at 4AM and woke up at 1030 this morning. Needless to say I woke up groggy and angry, but I got up nonetheless and took a shower and got ready. My sister was in a bad mood this morning so I hurried but it still seemed too long for her.
Our agenda for the day was having Thai and Lao for lunch, bowling, ice skating, and then dinner at a restaurant that just opened up. We didn't end up doing the last two things, however, because there was an ice hockey game. We decided to have a small bbq instead, which was warm and fun. The cost for today was quite overpriced- especially during lunch- but everything passed standard so it was okay.
It has been nearly eight years since I have been bowling. I was so reluctant to go in the morning when I heard we were going bowling- I don't have much fun when I go out with the family. It turns out, though, that it was very fun. I was worried about embarrassing myself when we first got to the bowling alley, but I shrugged some of that fear off and had a good time.
I think one of the things that interrupted a day filled with family love was my ex boyfriend. That doesn't mean he was a wretched bastard who ruined my day and made me feel unworthy. Actually, he made me really happy. I don't blog much these days because my words are always in jumbles and I can't put them into order, but I've been feeling the worst since we had broken up. His message today made my heart swell and me smile. It was so shocking, because of how we ended, and it was all I could think of for the rest of the day.
Moving on. Today was one of the days where I felt like my family and I were close. We didn't quarrel, we didn't disagree, we were together and that was so different from our usual day-to-day life. Would I do it again, though?
Only once in a blue moon!

Weight.

Society puts too much pressure on individuals to become skinny. There are so many misconceptions about what is beautiful, and what isn't. Weight shouldn't have to define the kind of person we are, though it does. Sure, it can have some impact, but I don't think it should overrule everything else.
I hate feeling like I have to apologise every time I can't fit myself into a size small jeans, or skirt, or any bottom wear at that. I feel like I have to apologise for sometimes having to choose a size 10 and not a 6 or an 8.
I hate that I can't control my cravings and temptation. I feel guilty and terrible every time I whip out something fatty or full or sugar because I hate eating so less and so healthy all the time. I want to be happy because I'm not skinny or obese, but I can't because I just want to "be like her." It's so embarrassing for me to choose something bigger than an 8 or a Small; I just want to be thinner.
My thighs are too large, I have too much stomach fat. My arms are flabby, my face is too big. My boobs and ass are too small. I'm too short, my fingers are too stubby. My skin's too dark, my hair's not long enough. My pimples won't go away, neither do my stretch marks.
I'm exercising but it's not much to burn calories. I want to go to the gym but how and who with when I can't drive?
God, I feel like killing myself sometimes.

-

I shiver at the touch
of cold tendrils
that coil on my skin.
The fire I had inside turns
into ice,
piercing my heart, my brain,
flowing through my veins.

The light turns off and
I become blind even though
the sun
is still outside.
What have I become?

A cold inferno with
no light.

Tiredness, loneliness,
emptiness, motionless;
I am embraced by the arms
of Darkness.

blabble

tragic, wouldn't it

if you knew

you could have been better

than you are right now.

better than being

a big mess

in a small body

drowning in 

your own blood,

sick of all

the lies you've had

to say

to others

and yourself.

tragic, isn't it

when you sit there

and wonder

what life could have been like

if you didn't

say no

or hold back

or be afraid of

the possibilities

and opportunities

that could have changed your life

for the better

for the good.

how tragic you look

with tears in your eyes

and sobs

stuck in your mouth

waiting for someone

to hold you

only for you

to let them go

again.

Nipple piercings.

In the past I have been known to be a lover of piercings, no matter how bizarre they seem to be. I've wanted many piercings in places people wouldn't dare, and to be honest I still want them now.
One of the ones I really want are nipple piercings. I think they have got to be one of the hottest things I have seen on people, both men and women. How they had the courage to get them, I will never know!

Diet, diet, diet.

I recently decided to go on a calorie counter diet to help myself lose weight. Some people are telling me that counting calories is not healthy, but to be honest at this point in time I'm just really desperate. I want to lose weight and quick, but I don't want to be so unhealthy and stop eating altogether.
Right now I'm not going so well. When I look back on my profile I notice that I stick to the number of calories I can have each day for a few days and then binge two days after that. It's really getting to me because I know that if I continue I won't lose weight at all.
I'm also starting to exercise a bit more; I've started with one hour a week just to get me going. Unsurprisingly I don't stick to this, either. My main exercise will be walking for half an hour straight (with hills), and at night I do a few situps and crunches, but that's all. I don't burn off enough calories, and I want to.
I'm 57kg right now and my goal if to be 48-50kg. I want to lose a kilo a week starting now, and so I will do it.

There's too much.

There's just too much inner turmoil. There's too much Darkness that wants to consume my thoughts and take me over the cliff. I'm suspended- I'm on the edge, and I have to choose whether to step back or jump. Someone is behind me to catch me but I can't see who they are. The waters are eerily calm and inviting, but I know if I give myself up I can't turn back.
Darkness. Black tears, black blood. It runs down my face and arms and it won't stop. How do I stop it. The scars are fading but my feelings aren't. I'm bottling it up, and I don't know what will happen when it spills. I'm scared, but I'm anticipating it. I'm scared, but I think I want it.
I want the end.
No more warmth, no more love. No more hurt, no more pain.
No more feelings, no more life.
The end, right?

english, english, english...

English has gotten me stressing. I'm such a bad student- to think I could write a belonging and hamlet essay in one day and memorise it!
I'm insane, it's my fault, I know it. To be really honest I do try and focus in class. The only reason I don't is because my teacher doesn't actually teach. Rather she gives us the materials and we do it ourselves. She says she's preparing us for university but.. well, it's not helping.
Not only that, but the material is computer generated, so I spend a lot of time on the computer. The computer and the internet, as many of us know, holds great temptation and distraction on what we are actually supposed to do. Even right now I am supposed to finish my belonging essay but instead I am here blogging about English. Logic, I know.
Anyway my plan right now is to finish my belonging essay and do as much as I can for Hamlet. Wish me luck!