bye!

I’m writing this with a little bit of hesitation, as the events that have transpired the last few days have really been a headache. Is blogging even a thing anymore? Is it allowed, all things considered lately, to vent out on this platform where hardly anyone reads my thoughts?

Let me just say that whether it comes early on or later, with age and experience comes maturity.  I’m in my mid-twenties but right now it feels like I’m stuck in high school with childish drama that shouldn’t have ever escalated.

Tunnel vision has led to a lost friendship over something petty because no-one could agree to disagree. A long-term friendship where both parties should have known how and what each other were like. Is it so wrong to allow a rage-filled fire to burn out before confronting someone? To allow some of this negativity to subside and think with a clear head before people say something they regret? Is it so wrong, to look for advice and opinion of others for a situation you’ve never been in before, to potentially shed some light that you may have not seen in the first place? One way is not the only or correct way for any single person. And now we’ve extinguished the wrong flame.

I’m not a saint or a martyr. I’ve never not made a mistake, and I always own up to them when I do. I am sincere in my regret and apology. And if I ever feel conflicted while angry, I will always ask for an opinion because I know myself and that I wouldn’t be able to contain my anger about the situation if I faced it head on. This is me learning from my younger self, who said things she regretted and lost people as a consequence.  I never act like I’m 100% in the right, because I’m not. Why can’t others be the same? If that’s how they deal with a situation, and they have done so their whole life, or have changed to because of experience, why can’t they just do it?

I watched a clip on Facebook the other day, and, loosely quoted, “Pride is fuelled by the opinion of others, but self-esteem is something that allows you to check on yourself, improve yourself and to move forward.” Everyone has both- everyone. But do you value the opinion of others to know that you’re right, or do you know in your heart that where you’re coming from is true? I just wished everyone could see that in this situation, no-one is 100% wrong and no-one is 100% right. Pride doesn’t have to play here. You can still hold your esteem and see where it went wrong.

I was part of the reason of the ‘break-up’, but I was not the only reason. What’s upsetting is the other factors that formed the rest of the reasons were completely disregarded and thrown aside because “it’s not the same.” People will feel how they feel, and it’s completely unfair that only one side’s emotions is validated because it was more ‘severe’.  This will be the last time I’m addressing this drama, online and in person. No-one will change their mind, and I will be at peace with that. People change and move apart- it’s all part of life. I never wanted to be here, but I know where I stand with them, and with myself.

2020 Goals.

I used to think that it was quite cliche to have to start new goals at the start of every year. I thought, if you really wanted to achieve something, you would start planning right then and there so that you could start working towards it as soon as possible. Now that I've matured, I can see my beliefs were tied to a time where I was depressed and didn't think I would become anything. As I reviewed my 2019, I realised that a new year to a lot of people meant a fresh start. It doesn't mean everything you do has to be new, it can just mean a positive change in an aspect of your life.
Last year was a huge year for me. I travelled overseas for the first time; I graduated; started a new job; and got engaged. This also meant a lot of celebrating, and I found myself (and my partner) overindulging in any and every way. I guess this is a good place to show where I want myself to change:-

1. Be more active: I got very lazy, very quick. I let myself go on my holiday, and when I came I kept telling myself that I will give myself some time before I get back on track e.g. gym more than once a week and cut down cheat meals to once a fortnight. That NEVER happened. Somehow we ended up having some sort of event EVERY weekend after that, and with no self control I ate and drank my way all through the rest of the year. It's no surprise then that all the weight I lost over the 6 months before that came back PLUS more.
- Changes:

• Exercise at least 3 times a week: a mix of cardio, weights, and pilates. I just signed up for an 8 week pole fitness class- can't wait to see how that goes!
• Try to go on more walks: With the bushfires going in Australia, I don't know how I will able to fulfill this part. We've lost so much land, and there is little we can do about it. It's really sad to see the inferno that is going on in our backyard, and I pray that we will be relieved with some much needed rain and cool weather. 

2. Control my eating habits: Prior to everything that happened last year, my partner and I were very good at choosing healthier options and eating out less frequently. My main goal for my eating habits is to get back to this habit.

- Changes:

• Eat out less frequently: try to eat out only once a fortnight. There will be birthdays and other events, so I hope to try and hold out my cheat meals for then otherwise eat beforehand.
• Less snacks: less unhealthy snacks. I've already stopped, but it has been very difficult to keep myself from checking the fridge/pantry for little nibbles. Is this how quitting feels?
• Cook more often: I like cooking, but my laziness got in the way of me doing anything. Not that my partner's mom's cooking is bad; traditional Asian meals are always just so calorie dense. I want to get to my goal weight, so I will need to eat smaller portions of this when I eat it, and cook and exercise more.

3. Save money: I was born in the year of the Pig, and Pigs are known to be a little bad with money. While I shouldn't count on things like zodiacs, I do believe that I am quite irresponsible with money. I like sharing, and so if I have to spend money in order to share, I will. This gets expensive, and I hardly saved anything at all last year. Now though, I have things to save up for i.e. our Vietnam holiday; my wedding (and all its expenses); a house; and kids(!!!!!).

- Changes: 

• Go out less: If it's not necessary, don't go. This will prove a challenge because I like a good time! I will need to pick and choose carefully.
• Save 30% of my fortnightly income: Right now I only save 10% because I was going out so often. If I can save more, I will try!

I think that's it for now. Writing this down has been good for me, as it shows me I'm quite happy with everything else in my life. 

What will you work towards this year?

Annual update.

I remember when my outlook on life used to be so bleak and wondered when it would be my turn to be happy after years of doubt and self-hate. All I knew was negativity and thought that any happiness was a trap for worse things to come. But I can confidently say this past year has undoubtedly been the best year of my life, and I'm finally starting to feel in control enough to not only put it in words, but in action too.
I contribute this feeling of happiness to the love of my life. Without him I don't know if I would have come so far so quick, and I am so grateful to have him next to me every day. I have learned to accept that I am allowed to be happy, and that bad days are only bad if I let them. I love that we are not totally dependent on each other and that we both lift each other up. He is the balance in my life that was missing, and I hope to reciprocate the affirmation of love the he shows me everyday.
2019 has felt like I am opening a new chapter of a real life fairy tale. I've past the conflict and am reaching my happily ever after. I was finally able to meet up with my dad; graduate uni after studying part time for 5 years; started a new job; and got engaged to my love. I feel like my ideal future is becoming more reachable and how it can only go up from here.
Of course the high can't always last, and while I am not depressed anymore, I can still feel emotional stress. What's pressing on my mind lately is the thought of getting my family all together for my engagement in two weeks. It's been nearly 3 years since I last saw or spoke to her but I'm in no rush to rekindle our relationship. I find it hard to let go of the pain that has been handed out, but I know I will eventually have to. With the engagement coming up, I'm being pressured to invite her but I'm just not ready to. I'm not ready to deal with the drama that may entail due to my mom's irrational hatred to my brother; my sister's hatred to my dad, or her ongoing battle with a supposed mental illness she isn't willing to seek help for.
Filial piety has been a concept I struggle to agree with. I'm not saying my mom isn't important. Despite my refusal to see her right now, I know I want her there at the wedding- just not here for the engagement. I acknowledge she did what she could to raise me, but if her method didn't work for or with me why should I willingly invite toxicity back into my life? Maybe I will look after her in the later future, but until then I don't see any reason to.
If she were there, what do I say to her, and is there anything even left to say? Ever since I removed her and my sister from my life I have been flourishing. I'm enjoying my 20s with the love of my life and finally making memories with my friends. I don't want to jeopardise that for 'face'. I just want to have a beautiful day with the people who are important to me.
I shouldn't dwell on it though. Whatever happens will happen, and I know that my decisions will no longer make me feel regret. I believe in myself and the control I hold for my future. And I know that I have support from the people who mean the most to me.

Failure.

I have always struggled with the concept of failure. From a young age it was ingrained in me that I could always do better, and that failure is never rewarded. Of course, we learn as we grow up that failing is okay, because it helps you learn from your mistakes and mature as an individual. But, with my (then) poor socioeconomic background and a stereotypical Asian family, the notion of failure was always hard to swallow. 

Upon reflection, it is clear that my self doubt comes from me being a perfectionist. While I have tried to dismiss the idea that my upbringing had any influence in the building of my character and that everything that has happened or is happening to me is of my own liability, I know now that that is not the case.

I read a post made by a fellow high school student about his opinion on the curriculum of Australian education. An inquisitive insight in which exposed the downfalls of standardised testing and the cash in on the tutoring business. And I agree to an extent- in school we do not learn many skills that can be integrated into everyday life, potentially leading us to failure, and standard tests do not provide a full insight to an individual's abilities. Creativity is definitely discouraged until senior years, and with such a gap between the beginning of high school to then, how is a person supposed to nurture their talents that is outside English and Math?

But how do we measure then the progress of an individual's development as they grow older? The abolishment of standardised testing is impossible, but improvements could definitely be made. A better support system for students and even teachers is necessary to cultivate talents and skills which can help lead towards a prepared life outside schooling. 

I feel like I missed out on the potential of having a strong support system, partly because of myself but also the lack of resources and opportunities that could have been better provided at school. My natural instinct is to push people away, or at least keep a distance. I've been conditioned to not rely on anyone. "You don't need friends", my mom used to say. I always listened to my mother, but if I didn't I still would've been fine without friends because I was okay with being lonely. Unfortunately, this mindset has prevented me from heavy social interaction and creating intrapersonal networks. I didn't have anyone to tell me it was okay I came last in a race, or third in class. Only my mom, who would tell me to do better next time. No one was there to praise my efforts.

The idea of me having to do everything 'perfectly' and to not fail has been reflected in my every day life. I am afraid to disappoint, and I always doubt my abilities. My thoughts on this occurred during exam period last semester. I truly believed I would fail one particular exam which would set me back another year at uni, even though I knew the content back to front, or at least most of it for me to do well. To my surprise, I passed all exams. But of course I did. My practical results were excellent. My theory was highly adequate. And the relief I felt showed me that I didn't have to doubt myself, because I CAN do it. 

But what changed? I said I didn't have a strong support network, but I was wrong. My support was always there, I just had to be willing to let my guard down and seek it. I don't have many friends, but the three I can call true friends I know will always be there for me. My younger sister to ground me and keep me in the loop; and my partner to help me grow and thrive as a being. I don't express it to them but I am so grateful to have them be there for me. 

It is imperative that these important intrapersonal relationships be developed in our younger years. Failure is okay sometimes. Communication is key to understanding this. 

I am now in my final semester of university. In 6 months I will be graduating. In a year I will be working at a job I want to pursue, and in two and a half years I will marry the love of my life. I say this now so that I can believe myself, and not doubt it. 

Strength to be strong.

I don't think I was ever really afraid of death. I always accepted it as a natural part of life itself; a cycle of karma and reincarnation. It is the way in which we part the world that was rather worrying for me. But now after the loss of someone, and now that I have found love- my true love, I fear it immensely. I am scared everyday by the thought of being separated without the chance of saying anything to one another, of one of us going first and leaving the other behind. But it is inevitable that one of us will leave first, for age has mercy for noone. I could not fathom the pain I would feel if he were not by my side.
With this love I also fear the idea of not being good enough. I am neither artistic or creative, smart or talented. I don't have anything to wow anyone. I am not athletic, I am not a chef. And yet he is everything. All I am is a girl who blames my poor economic status since birth that hindered me from many opportunities and left me with only the basics to survive. I don't blame my parents - they have done everything they could in their situation and I am grateful. I just don't have anything to offer.
But I also know love is about being brave. Brave- not in the absence of fear, but by the willingness to try and overcome it in order to live the fullest, most satisfying and successful life you could have. And I am trying so hard to be brave, because it is the truth that my soul and his have been entwined since the beginning. All I have in this lifetime however is the enormity of my emotions- I just wonder if it is enough.