I have always struggled with the concept of failure. From a young age it was ingrained in me that I could always do better, and that failure is never rewarded. Of course, we learn as we grow up that failing is okay, because it helps you learn from your mistakes and mature as an individual. But, with my (then) poor socioeconomic background and a stereotypical Asian family, the notion of failure was always hard to swallow.
Upon reflection, it is clear that my self doubt comes from me being a perfectionist. While I have tried to dismiss the idea that my upbringing had any influence in the building of my character and that everything that has happened or is happening to me is of my own liability, I know now that that is not the case.
I read a post made by a fellow high school student about his opinion on the curriculum of Australian education. An inquisitive insight in which exposed the downfalls of standardised testing and the cash in on the tutoring business. And I agree to an extent- in school we do not learn many skills that can be integrated into everyday life, potentially leading us to failure, and standard tests do not provide a full insight to an individual's abilities. Creativity is definitely discouraged until senior years, and with such a gap between the beginning of high school to then, how is a person supposed to nurture their talents that is outside English and Math?
But how do we measure then the progress of an individual's development as they grow older? The abolishment of standardised testing is impossible, but improvements could definitely be made. A better support system for students and even teachers is necessary to cultivate talents and skills which can help lead towards a prepared life outside schooling.
I feel like I missed out on the potential of having a strong support system, partly because of myself but also the lack of resources and opportunities that could have been better provided at school. My natural instinct is to push people away, or at least keep a distance. I've been conditioned to not rely on anyone. "You don't need friends", my mom used to say. I always listened to my mother, but if I didn't I still would've been fine without friends because I was okay with being lonely. Unfortunately, this mindset has prevented me from heavy social interaction and creating intrapersonal networks. I didn't have anyone to tell me it was okay I came last in a race, or third in class. Only my mom, who would tell me to do better next time. No one was there to praise my efforts.
The idea of me having to do everything 'perfectly' and to not fail has been reflected in my every day life. I am afraid to disappoint, and I always doubt my abilities. My thoughts on this occurred during exam period last semester. I truly believed I would fail one particular exam which would set me back another year at uni, even though I knew the content back to front, or at least most of it for me to do well. To my surprise, I passed all exams. But of course I did. My practical results were excellent. My theory was highly adequate. And the relief I felt showed me that I didn't have to doubt myself, because I CAN do it.
But what changed? I said I didn't have a strong support network, but I was wrong. My support was always there, I just had to be willing to let my guard down and seek it. I don't have many friends, but the three I can call true friends I know will always be there for me. My younger sister to ground me and keep me in the loop; and my partner to help me grow and thrive as a being. I don't express it to them but I am so grateful to have them be there for me.
It is imperative that these important intrapersonal relationships be developed in our younger years. Failure is okay sometimes. Communication is key to understanding this.
I am now in my final semester of university. In 6 months I will be graduating. In a year I will be working at a job I want to pursue, and in two and a half years I will marry the love of my life. I say this now so that I can believe myself, and not doubt it.
