I can't be bothered to try anymore. I'm just tired. Tired of waking up and going to sleep. Tired of eating and showering and listening and breathing. I just want everything to stop. I can't breathe anymore. There is no space for me in the world who cares for nothing more than the superficial. I don't want to be around people who remain unchanging and ignorant and unobservant.
I am sick of my mom going out every night, sick of hearing my brother talk about selling our house. I am sick of how this family is being run, I am sick of hearing about post HSC life. Sick of being told what to do, when to do it, how to do it, without the why.
I'm just sick and tired. I've given up.
Tuesday, 22 October 2013
Jumbled.
I have had a lot on my mind lately and I seem to be unable to open to anyone about it. I make statuses and tweets concerning these thoughts for people to respond but I don't want to tell them why. I feel like I'm drowning by these old memories in the most important time in my life when I need them the least.
I don't know how to write about these thoughts. There's so many yet I cannot hold onto one. I want to write about how I'm feeling about my mom never being home, about my dad not living at home, about having no space to breathe at home; how much I like X and how much he consumes me. I want to write about how my HSC is going and how I'm not keeping up with friends. My 18th birthday. There is my future, my present, and my past that I have still yet to make sense of. Who am I? Why am I still here? What am I going to do?
I have had so many of these phases yet I still don't know how to prevent them. These slumps that take over my life is what's killing me. Just because I'm breathing doesn't mean I'm alive. This loneliness is so hard to overcome, even with X in my life now. I like him, so much- but I'm scared of opening up even more than I have because of fear. Can I let someone in like that again? Will he leave me? Will I leave him?
I am stressing about money, about uni, about my lack of belongings and lack of belonging. There is nothing I can afford and nothing I can offer. I want the simple things in life but I want to live in luxury.
"I don't know what I want, but I want it now." That is currently me. I want something more but I don't know what it is I want. I crave for a better life but I don't know how I'm going to get there.
I want so many things but I don't want anything. I want to live but I feel like dying. I'm not a coward, but I fear.
I don't know how to write about these thoughts. There's so many yet I cannot hold onto one. I want to write about how I'm feeling about my mom never being home, about my dad not living at home, about having no space to breathe at home; how much I like X and how much he consumes me. I want to write about how my HSC is going and how I'm not keeping up with friends. My 18th birthday. There is my future, my present, and my past that I have still yet to make sense of. Who am I? Why am I still here? What am I going to do?
I have had so many of these phases yet I still don't know how to prevent them. These slumps that take over my life is what's killing me. Just because I'm breathing doesn't mean I'm alive. This loneliness is so hard to overcome, even with X in my life now. I like him, so much- but I'm scared of opening up even more than I have because of fear. Can I let someone in like that again? Will he leave me? Will I leave him?
I am stressing about money, about uni, about my lack of belongings and lack of belonging. There is nothing I can afford and nothing I can offer. I want the simple things in life but I want to live in luxury.
"I don't know what I want, but I want it now." That is currently me. I want something more but I don't know what it is I want. I crave for a better life but I don't know how I'm going to get there.
I want so many things but I don't want anything. I want to live but I feel like dying. I'm not a coward, but I fear.
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