SECRET - Talk That.

The last couple of days have been pretty rough. Not physically- more emotionally, really.
Mark recently told me that this is "cruel as the world gets." And yes, it is.
The situation with removing my blog posts is getting out of hand. We argued, and he was foolish enough to show his friend and then laugh about it. Not only that, he and his friend began to mock me by reenacting our conversation! On Facebook!
And now, now, after all this immaturity, he decides to delete the wall posts and apologise to me.
Apologise.
How am I supposed to feel?
I don't think this is something to forgive so easily. I cried a little when I saw the mock posts. If that's what he wanted, then he got it. I said I wouldn't let him get the best of me, but of course he would. He always will.
Besides, his apology didn't for one ounce sound sincere. I didn't get the feel it was him; the words sounded empty and unpromising. I sincerely doubted it was him as well, and believed that this was just his friend playing with me. So I didn't reply.
Until his next message.
Could he make it up in anyway possible?
Sure, if he skinned himself and then jumped off a cliff and let the sharks eat him.
No, of course he can't.
It was then I blew up. I tried to keep my composure, to take his immaturity and reply with cool, calm answers. But it was too much. Make it up to me? How did he think he was going to do that?!
There is so much that has been left unspoken between us. I know for a fact we won't be able to sort it out because we're both too stubborn and scared to bring it up first. We don't want to be wrong either, especially if we know that our differences will make only one of us right. We aren't on speaking terms, we don't even look at each other.
I am not petty enough to ask anything of him. I just wanted a more sincere apology. I want him to reflect and never do that to someone else again, even if it's for his entertainment.
I should have not let this affect me. I said I was over him, but now am I really? Despite all this irrelevant drama, I found myself missing this. I found myself reminiscing the times we talked, how this banter was almost exactly like old times- minus the coldness in our words. Crazy enough, it even made me happy to talk to him, even like this. And it made me scared. It made me scared that I actually might still love him.
But no, I crossed that out. All this is is a longing to be friends. A longing for his promise with being best friends to be fulfilled. A longing that won't be achieved.
But it's okay, i'm supposed to be strong.
Now, I have to reply to his question. Can he do anything for me? I don't know, so I asked him what he thinks he could do for me. Not much I believe.
I want to forgive him. I want to get over it. Maybe after this if we sort something out we can just casually talk then.
But maybe not.


Anyway, here's my song of the week. Secret's new single 'Talk That' speaks a lot to me. The lyrics are real, the music is great, and the girls are sexy (but that's no new news). Much of the lyrics are speak how I feel right now, but feelings always subject to change.

Happiness and Facebook.

I've realised it's been a while since I've been on here. A long while, actually.
Scrolling through my past posts, I couldn't help but shudder and feel embarrassed about the way I wrote. My presentation of myself seemed... aloof? Full of myself? I'm not really sure, but I can assure myself (and you) now that I probably won't be writing like that in the future unless I'm ecstatic about something only I could only be excited about. Even then, I'd probably restrain something like that and post it on my long forgotten kpop tumblr. Could you believe that? I actually forgot I had a blog dedicated to Korean pop/
To be honest, I was actually waiting for something great happened to me so I could blog about it, but of course, my brooding self could never be really happy. Happiness is such a simple term, but its definition varies from person to persron. And it made me wonder- what is happiness to me? Is it talking to school friends everyday about nothing and everything? Is it my unhealthy obsession with Korean culture that makes me scream, cry and laugh all the time? Is it being in my room and enjoying its solitude?
I'm not really sure.

Anyway, I haven't had internet connection in over 3 weeks, which is starting to get to me because there is so much I have yet to catch up on. Korean pop news, TV shows I actually watch, scrolling through Twitter for no reason at all but dull entertainment... no Facebook either.
Facebook.
I'm not really a fan of Facebook anymore; it doesn't plague my life like it used to. Now, I use it to see what's happening to my small community so I can gossip, and to contact friends when I have no other way. It's fun, sometimes, like talking to Liskov through inbox. He's infuriating at times- many times actually, but the main thing is that he makes me smile or laugh at all the ridiculous things in the world. And they're pretty weird.
But, with good times, there are also bad.
It probably isn't a bad thing for others but it was for me, since my heart pretty much stopped, stuttered, and then beat erratically. For fear or longing, I don't know.
I didn't realise I'd ever get a message from him again. It was surprising, though I believe 'surprising' is the biggest understatement of my year. I was speechless, shocked, scared, happy, and probably any other emotion people muster during times like these.
Now the funny thing is it wasn't a great message. It was a blunt, mean one. He just told me to delete my blog for personal reasons. I should have been angry that he was telling me to delete my blog, and I am, but I also laughed it off. Because, which blog should I delete?
Right now, I have about 8 or more blogs, some that contain content and some with none at all. I probably shouldn't tell him that, since I own a very NSFW blog full of gay porn. [Just for further information, my 'gay fetish,' as my acquaintance calls it, is very widely known and I'm not embarrassed that people know or will know.]
Even then, it stung a little. Am I that much of a nuisance? A black scar to his fair skin? Have I affected him in such a negative way that he has made sure to avoid me in every situation possible? He deleted our old messages, for God's sake! As if anyone would have access to that.
Well, now, I'm a bit worked up.
I am much obliged to decide which blogs to keep and which to delete, since they're mine, and they hold very personal posts in which I poured my heart in to. They're my memories, and I shouldn't be told to forget such things since they were a big part of my life.
No, noone should have the right to tell me that.
A bit worked up, did I say? Now I mean really worked up. Funny, since I don't think I've ever been angry at him like this before. This is what I don't like about myself- my moods shift sporadically, so when I talk or blog people can tell I am a bit out there. Not eccentric, exactly, but not really normal, either.
This kind of behaviour reminds me of Adrian Ivashkov, actually. But I'll leave that for another time.

The bell's about to ring, I have yet to reply to his message, and I need to blow off some steam to my dear friends who no doubt will be sick and tired of hear me talking about him. Again. Hmph.