I remember when my outlook on life used to be so bleak and wondered when it would be my turn to be happy after years of doubt and self-hate. All I knew was negativity and thought that any happiness was a trap for worse things to come. But I can confidently say this past year has undoubtedly been the best year of my life, and I'm finally starting to feel in control enough to not only put it in words, but in action too.
I contribute this feeling of happiness to the love of my life. Without him I don't know if I would have come so far so quick, and I am so grateful to have him next to me every day. I have learned to accept that I am allowed to be happy, and that bad days are only bad if I let them. I love that we are not totally dependent on each other and that we both lift each other up. He is the balance in my life that was missing, and I hope to reciprocate the affirmation of love the he shows me everyday.
2019 has felt like I am opening a new chapter of a real life fairy tale. I've past the conflict and am reaching my happily ever after. I was finally able to meet up with my dad; graduate uni after studying part time for 5 years; started a new job; and got engaged to my love. I feel like my ideal future is becoming more reachable and how it can only go up from here.
Of course the high can't always last, and while I am not depressed anymore, I can still feel emotional stress. What's pressing on my mind lately is the thought of getting my family all together for my engagement in two weeks. It's been nearly 3 years since I last saw or spoke to her but I'm in no rush to rekindle our relationship. I find it hard to let go of the pain that has been handed out, but I know I will eventually have to. With the engagement coming up, I'm being pressured to invite her but I'm just not ready to. I'm not ready to deal with the drama that may entail due to my mom's irrational hatred to my brother; my sister's hatred to my dad, or her ongoing battle with a supposed mental illness she isn't willing to seek help for.
Filial piety has been a concept I struggle to agree with. I'm not saying my mom isn't important. Despite my refusal to see her right now, I know I want her there at the wedding- just not here for the engagement. I acknowledge she did what she could to raise me, but if her method didn't work for or with me why should I willingly invite toxicity back into my life? Maybe I will look after her in the later future, but until then I don't see any reason to.
If she were there, what do I say to her, and is there anything even left to say? Ever since I removed her and my sister from my life I have been flourishing. I'm enjoying my 20s with the love of my life and finally making memories with my friends. I don't want to jeopardise that for 'face'. I just want to have a beautiful day with the people who are important to me.
I shouldn't dwell on it though. Whatever happens will happen, and I know that my decisions will no longer make me feel regret. I believe in myself and the control I hold for my future. And I know that I have support from the people who mean the most to me.
