I don't think I've ever really felt at home. The roof over my head is just that- a roof over my head. My family is my foundation but I can't seem to build anything with them. My body is a temple that I can't find peace in. And my mind is a never-ending tornado of dark tangled thoughts that I can't separate from. I am so used to feeling displaced that I have never thought to look for it. And I haven't, but it seems to have found me.
Home. A place I can feel comfortable in and comforted by. A place I look forward to coming back to everyday. A place I can't get off my mind even when I want to. A place I'm also afraid to let know.
Depression's got a funny way of dictating the way you feel. You can be happy but never truly experience the extent of it because they're always around, holding onto you relentlessly. And it's only a figurative being, not literal, but it still feels like someone physically next to you whispering negative things in your ear until that's all you can hear. I want to be happy, but I'm scared of what will happen when I am too happy. In all honesty I am now already happy, and already I am scared. I don't want to keep losing the good things in life, and I know I can help it but at the same time I can't.
Tell me, how do I keep my home by me if I can't embrace it? How can I let this fear go and not let it overtake me and the person I can become? If only it were so simple.
