I am a caged bird. I am stuck inside a prison made up of helplessness, fear, and slavery. I am a butterfly with broken wings. I cannot grow. I am constantly shrivelling into someone who is unable to stand up for herself and get what she wants.
I no longer want to ask if I can do something, buy something, get something. I want to be able to do it myself without having asking. I don't want my decision to be made by someone else- it is my life, my body, my money, me. I am not going to stay some obedient machine who says yes to every order they are given. I am way past that now. My feelings have been kept inside too long and I am close to popping the lid open.
My sister is not my mother. She's not even my sister. We share the same mother but only half the blood. I am not going to let her dictate my life anymore. She thinks because she looks after me she can direct my life her way. Not anymore. I am an adult now, and I am able to make my own decisions. I am able to choose what I do with my time, when I go out, when I come home, what I do with my money. I should be able to, but I don't. I am always worrying about what she would think, what the consequences from her would be. But why? Why am I worrying about her and not me? Why am I making decisions to keep her happy but me miserable?
She thinks I am selfish. She thinks that all I think about is me. I always ask to go out. I always stay out too late. I never think of the family, or of her work. I never think about the problems going on at home. She thinks I am unaffected by everything and focus on myself. She thinks she gives me everything. She doesn't know anything.
I don't hate her, but I no longer appreciate her. I dislike her so much. I cannot contain it inside any longer. She makes me hate my life, when I should be thankful. She thinks I am very advantageous, when really I lack the stuff I really need. I have monetary desires, but they are not what drives me towards the future. I want the freedom. I want to be able to be out and about and experience the world. I have been disadvantaged from being caged. I don't know anything about the world. I don't know how to look after myself properly because I've been babied by her. I've been babied, yet she thinks I should be able to think for myself. Whose fault is that? Who is it that made me be this way? Before my mom it is her. She is the one who has turned me into this, and she doesn't even know it. She doesn't understand. She thinks she's more forgiving than other people- don't make me laugh. I can't even make a small mistake without being reprimanded.
I am shaking with rage right now. I am laughing at myself because I just said yes to her to something I don't want to do. I am not responsible for her children- just like she is not responsible for me. And yet it is up to me to pick up her child from primary because God knows her errand can't wait another 20minutes. Now she tells me she's going to be home late. This is ridiculous. I am so over it.
