With my immersion into young adulthood I have realised that I have spent too much time focusing on my past and present and not enough on my future. I find it difficult to remove the ill that is in my life and allow the good to engulf me and lead me to where I could and should be. Safety and security (emotionally, financially, physically) have never been a priority for me and it has come to my attention that I must prepare for this now.
I know that I am still young, but we all mature at different ages. I like to think that I am very mature, though how others perceive me I am not sure. With my parents' split; my mom's meagre presence at home; my sister's financial difficulty; and lack of family communication it has become obvious that I must start looking after myself now for the future. Life is hard and as shallow as it sounds I do not want to live a hard life.
However in saying this I know I am being hypocritical. I don't want to live a hard life but I'm making it hard for myself. I have poor management skills. I spend money convulsively. I save and communicate poorly. I hate that money is such a huge factor in life. Why is money the judge of everything? Why must it rule us?
I have no official job. I have no car. I have no ambition for what I want to pursue as a career. With my ATAR mark I find it impossible to find a course I really want to study to enrol in. A gap year will do no good- I am already lazy as it is and having one will just make me drop the idea of further studying.
That's the other thing about me- laziness. Not just laziness, but a tiredness that I cannot shake even if I tried. And I have tried. I have tried to immerse myself into the hobbies I loved, such as reading, making collages, writing stories and baking. And as much as I have tried I have found myself falling out of them because I am lazy. Weight is an issue for me and though I was supposed to be slimmer I gave up my diet after not even one month. I have 20 unread books on my shelf- books from series that I really like or love. I have flour and egg and milk sitting in the fridge- why am I sitting here?
With me turning 18 opportunities have appeared and resurfaced left and right, but I am not grabbing them. I feel like I have no time. I'm only 18, and I feel like I have no time? Ridiculous.
I have been working everyday for my older sister with little pay since I have finished school and have had no time to really focus on myself and what I want and need for the future. I would love for a few days or even a week to reevaluate everything and set my priorities straight. What can I do to make my life better? What should I do to make it better? What can I do to help other people make their lives better?
Focus, Christine, focus.
